Blessed

So do you think I could win worst blogger award? Do they have a worst blogger award? Lately- I think I might deserve it if they did. Pregnant everything is starting to set in, and with that come the ability to focus on one, maybe two things at a time. Everything else goes by the wayside, including this blog. Hopefully I can be better about it in the near future. Lord knows I have plenty to say, although most of it is hormones and make me look completely insane.


I spend a lot of my time feeling very lonely-- it isn't a pity party kind of thing, just an emotion... I think it comes in the mom package- at least my mom package. It isn't really substantiated, but I think when you spend your days with 2 toddlers and an 84 year old woman, you lose yourself in the process of caring for all of them (plus one husband in the evening). Maybe that is where the lonely comes from-- a loss of self. Doesn't help that it seems every time I try to grasp beyond just the "Mom" title, and reach for artist, intellectual, or any of the other things I am capable of, I feel scolded by my family, then feel guilty that I even thought of myself. Comes with the territory I suppose.

Here is where the lonely is unsubstantiated: I am blessed with wonderful friends. Some of them I have never met in person, and we may never meet- but that doesn't keep us from knowing or caring about each other. I may never meet their children, so many of whom I love without ever wrapping my arms around- but we keep each other updated, we send pictures and even mail the occasional gift (usually with no reason other than we felt like it).

Some live locally, and I have been blessed enough to spend time with them, and we have grown close. Really, in a lot of ways, we are like a family. We mother hen each other's children- and beyond that, love them like they were our own. We don't need to talk every day, or "hang out" often to maintain that relationship. We can get frustrated with the other, and need a bit of a break, and they seem on some level to understand. You don't find that kind of thing every day. I am amazed that they tolerate me some days. I know I can be a bit of a lil miss talks a lot, and sometimes try to relate to a situation I know nothing about, but they are patient with me-- and that, to me, means the world. They think of me when others don't. Who, on their second child, is blessed enough to have people who want to throw her a shower? I didn't do anything to deserve it-- yet they want to out of the kindness of their hearts. I never ever expected it- and I am amazed and touched. How do you repay that kind of kindness? I don't think a thank you card quiet does it.