Holy crap- how did I get this far so fast?
Friday, October 26, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
She's growing up.
Cookies amazes me. She has a better grasp on things than I am willing to admit, and I knew that for sure when she grabbed one of Bubbles' ultrasound pictures- and announce that that was her baby brother. We had never told her that before.
She is desperately trying to figure out this whole potty thing- and wants to know everything about everything.
She watches Finding Nemo like it is her first time seeing it every time she watches- even though it is on at least once a day. I wish I had the sense of wonder and enthusiasm she has.
Look at how much she has grown
2 Months
22 Months
She is desperately trying to figure out this whole potty thing- and wants to know everything about everything.
She watches Finding Nemo like it is her first time seeing it every time she watches- even though it is on at least once a day. I wish I had the sense of wonder and enthusiasm she has.
Look at how much she has grown
2 Months
22 Months
Friday, October 19, 2007
1 year ago
Today, a year ago, I went to lunch with my friends, then to the dollar store, then to the hospital.
One year ago today, I lost our lil peanut. And while it is a day of remembrance- I am not overly sad. I am blessed to have Bubbles now.
God knew what he was doing. There was something about Peanut that couldn't have made it to the outside world. The experience was traumatic, painful, and scary. I felt like I had done something wrong. I felt... insufficient. Other people blamed the fact I was still breastfeeding my daughter. It was a hard few weeks for me, and probably just as hard a few weeks for a friend who found out she was pregnant just as I found out I wasn't.
I can't believe a year has gone so fast. It feels like moments ago. The time between Peanut and Bubbles felt like an eternity at the time- yet here I am- looking back, and realizing it was just a blink.
What an amazing year it has been. Now I wait for my son to be born- and that is coming FAST. I am so thankful for him. I am so thankful for Cookies. I am so thankful for Peanut. Peanut allowed me to understand something I couldn't have understood without going through it.
One year ago today, I lost our lil peanut. And while it is a day of remembrance- I am not overly sad. I am blessed to have Bubbles now.
God knew what he was doing. There was something about Peanut that couldn't have made it to the outside world. The experience was traumatic, painful, and scary. I felt like I had done something wrong. I felt... insufficient. Other people blamed the fact I was still breastfeeding my daughter. It was a hard few weeks for me, and probably just as hard a few weeks for a friend who found out she was pregnant just as I found out I wasn't.
I can't believe a year has gone so fast. It feels like moments ago. The time between Peanut and Bubbles felt like an eternity at the time- yet here I am- looking back, and realizing it was just a blink.
What an amazing year it has been. Now I wait for my son to be born- and that is coming FAST. I am so thankful for him. I am so thankful for Cookies. I am so thankful for Peanut. Peanut allowed me to understand something I couldn't have understood without going through it.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
???
I'm confused- and no one will help me. My mom isn't even answering her phone. This isn't good for the preggo.
I hate that the most idiotic things make me cry.
I hate that the most idiotic things make me cry.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
On another note
Bum is trying. He really is. I think the fact that I end up in tears most days has made him realize I need a little help. Or at least I hope that he has realized it.
Spending has gotten better. Big relief.
Spending has gotten better. Big relief.
Please forgive the Mirror
You know who you are. Almost got done with mine- read yours and realized they are an awful lot alike.
I feel Broken. Not physically- but spiritually and mentally. God does the spiritual one to me on occasion, because I get out of check on things- and more often than not this feeling starts with me begging for help. He always does- but it sure doesn't feel good while it is happening. You would think that it would be all warm fuzzies, but that isn't the way things work. You can't change without breaking away some of the chipped pieces and replacing them with fresh ones.
I have a home church- but it is too far away to go to anymore. I was fed spiritually, I was active in the church, and Cookies LOVED the children's ministry. I have always felt like my relationship to God is just that-- MINE- and I didn't need church to have that- but the last few days I have had this overwhelming drive to find a church. It is almost like spiders under my skin over it. No reason why, just is.
Maybe the mental stuff is what is driving me. I see myself on a fast track to depression lately. I usually slip a little in the spring, but this year it seems like the fall is pulling at me. Blame pregnancy, blame my current living situation, blame whatever. The end result is me feeling completely worthless. I feel like I use the people I care about. If I don't do it 100% myself, I feel like I am using someone. I just hope it is in my head and not reality. I asked Bum to tell me if I was using him- maybe I should do the same for the others. I feel like I am never going to be good enough for anything. I am so tired all of the time- but I can't sleep. My mind is riddled with guilt, lists, and things I keep telling myself I will never be. Self abuse is a vicious thing. Sad thing is- we self abusers seem to group together. We try to lift each other up, give comfort (I am a notorious "fixer")- but the other can't hear it, because their own voice of abuse is too loud to hear the good words- the truth.
What makes us like this? What happened to the outgoing, friendly, social girl that wasn't scared of anything? I feel like I stepped into the looking glass. I am shy, awkward, and I don't do well in social situations. I always put my foot in my mouth, and make an ass of myself. I do it with my friends too- but they are kind enough not to rub it in my face.
And now I need to stop for now because I am babbling.
I feel Broken. Not physically- but spiritually and mentally. God does the spiritual one to me on occasion, because I get out of check on things- and more often than not this feeling starts with me begging for help. He always does- but it sure doesn't feel good while it is happening. You would think that it would be all warm fuzzies, but that isn't the way things work. You can't change without breaking away some of the chipped pieces and replacing them with fresh ones.
I have a home church- but it is too far away to go to anymore. I was fed spiritually, I was active in the church, and Cookies LOVED the children's ministry. I have always felt like my relationship to God is just that-- MINE- and I didn't need church to have that- but the last few days I have had this overwhelming drive to find a church. It is almost like spiders under my skin over it. No reason why, just is.
Maybe the mental stuff is what is driving me. I see myself on a fast track to depression lately. I usually slip a little in the spring, but this year it seems like the fall is pulling at me. Blame pregnancy, blame my current living situation, blame whatever. The end result is me feeling completely worthless. I feel like I use the people I care about. If I don't do it 100% myself, I feel like I am using someone. I just hope it is in my head and not reality. I asked Bum to tell me if I was using him- maybe I should do the same for the others. I feel like I am never going to be good enough for anything. I am so tired all of the time- but I can't sleep. My mind is riddled with guilt, lists, and things I keep telling myself I will never be. Self abuse is a vicious thing. Sad thing is- we self abusers seem to group together. We try to lift each other up, give comfort (I am a notorious "fixer")- but the other can't hear it, because their own voice of abuse is too loud to hear the good words- the truth.
What makes us like this? What happened to the outgoing, friendly, social girl that wasn't scared of anything? I feel like I stepped into the looking glass. I am shy, awkward, and I don't do well in social situations. I always put my foot in my mouth, and make an ass of myself. I do it with my friends too- but they are kind enough not to rub it in my face.
And now I need to stop for now because I am babbling.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Men.
Don't get me wrong- I love my husband DEARLY- and we get along great, he is my best friend- really, he is. I have to choose my battles though, so Bum's good name is going to get smashed here because I don't feel like it is worth it to bitch at him about it.
How hard is it to remember to pull the freaking car seats out of the car before you leave the house? I mean- seriously- I remind you 2 MINUTES before you walk out of the door. I had errands to run today, and you have school- which means I A)Won't see you until after 9 tonight and B) I can't get ANYTHING I needed to done today. It makes me feel like the things I need are completely unimportant to you. If you make a request, I do my very very best to follow through IMMEDIATELY for you- because I want you to be happy.
I approached you about your spending last night- and you had the nerve to bitch at me about paying bills. I am proud of myself though- I stood up to you, and even though you kept reminding me that I am pregnant (BELIEVE ME I KNOW), I stood my ground. I am so proud of you for recognizing that you have been a little out of control the last couple of months- but I still don't think you understand that yes, that stupid snowboard rack went on OUR car-- but it is YOUR toy- not ours. All I want is a couple pairs of maternity pants- since I am STILL wearing my old jeans, and a pair of overalls-- and that is it.
I am sitting here at this desk, the one you use so often, looking at the mess you mentioned last night. You know what is interesting? It is all of YOUR shit everywhere. My things are in a nice pile in the corner. There is a 4 day old soda cup still here, that I am not touching- simply to make a point, you papers are everywhere and your books that I put away every day are out. I really feel like I have an extra toddler some days. You try to help- and your cleaning out the garage while I was gone was great- but did you even TOUCH inside the house?
You are such a wonderful man Bum. I know you love this family- and I know that your going to school and busting hump are for us, but I need you to think outside of your bubble a little- not much, just a little.
How hard is it to remember to pull the freaking car seats out of the car before you leave the house? I mean- seriously- I remind you 2 MINUTES before you walk out of the door. I had errands to run today, and you have school- which means I A)Won't see you until after 9 tonight and B) I can't get ANYTHING I needed to done today. It makes me feel like the things I need are completely unimportant to you. If you make a request, I do my very very best to follow through IMMEDIATELY for you- because I want you to be happy.
I approached you about your spending last night- and you had the nerve to bitch at me about paying bills. I am proud of myself though- I stood up to you, and even though you kept reminding me that I am pregnant (BELIEVE ME I KNOW), I stood my ground. I am so proud of you for recognizing that you have been a little out of control the last couple of months- but I still don't think you understand that yes, that stupid snowboard rack went on OUR car-- but it is YOUR toy- not ours. All I want is a couple pairs of maternity pants- since I am STILL wearing my old jeans, and a pair of overalls-- and that is it.
I am sitting here at this desk, the one you use so often, looking at the mess you mentioned last night. You know what is interesting? It is all of YOUR shit everywhere. My things are in a nice pile in the corner. There is a 4 day old soda cup still here, that I am not touching- simply to make a point, you papers are everywhere and your books that I put away every day are out. I really feel like I have an extra toddler some days. You try to help- and your cleaning out the garage while I was gone was great- but did you even TOUCH inside the house?
You are such a wonderful man Bum. I know you love this family- and I know that your going to school and busting hump are for us, but I need you to think outside of your bubble a little- not much, just a little.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
It makes me sad.
That that poem/story about the woman saying she was going to bed-- and did all those chores, and the man said he was going to bed and did is SO true.
We went upstairs at the same time-- he threw the CLEAN laundry on the floor, crawled in bed, and went to sleep. I changed Cookies, got her fresh water, read her a story, sat and held her hand while she fell asleep. Then I picked the clean laundry up off the floor, hung&folded it, put it away, started a fresh load of wash, picked up the trash, moved his shoes so I wouldn't trip on them, then finally got to crawl into bed... And that was just the upstairs stuff.
So often I feel lazy- because my house is ALWAYS a mess- but if I quit- or if I took "vacation"-- everything would go to hell in a hand basket. I know he works hard, I know he goes to school. I just wish he could see everything I do and not take it for granted.
We went upstairs at the same time-- he threw the CLEAN laundry on the floor, crawled in bed, and went to sleep. I changed Cookies, got her fresh water, read her a story, sat and held her hand while she fell asleep. Then I picked the clean laundry up off the floor, hung&folded it, put it away, started a fresh load of wash, picked up the trash, moved his shoes so I wouldn't trip on them, then finally got to crawl into bed... And that was just the upstairs stuff.
So often I feel lazy- because my house is ALWAYS a mess- but if I quit- or if I took "vacation"-- everything would go to hell in a hand basket. I know he works hard, I know he goes to school. I just wish he could see everything I do and not take it for granted.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
I guess I'm it!
Been Tagged. This one looks fun though!!
1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet, current car)
Andy Cherokee
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream, favorite cookie)
Mint Chocolate Chip Peanutbutter
3. YOUR FLY “GUY/GIRL” NAME: (first initial first name, first 3 letters last name)
KRod
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Blue Elephant
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Anne Pheonix
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters last name, first 2 letters first name)
Rodki
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink and add” the”)
Pink The Peach Ice Tea
8. NASCAR NAME: (first names of your grandfathers)
Phillip Edward
9. STRIPPER NAME: (favorite perfume, favorite candy)
Vanilla Butterfinger
10. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s and father’s middle names)
Margaret Mitchell
I tag ummm Kris, Jess and Molly.
1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet, current car)
Andy Cherokee
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream, favorite cookie)
Mint Chocolate Chip Peanutbutter
3. YOUR FLY “GUY/GIRL” NAME: (first initial first name, first 3 letters last name)
KRod
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Blue Elephant
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Anne Pheonix
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters last name, first 2 letters first name)
Rodki
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink and add” the”)
Pink The Peach Ice Tea
8. NASCAR NAME: (first names of your grandfathers)
Phillip Edward
9. STRIPPER NAME: (favorite perfume, favorite candy)
Vanilla Butterfinger
10. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s and father’s middle names)
Margaret Mitchell
I tag ummm Kris, Jess and Molly.
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