Dang she is cute-- and awfully entertaining. She loves to be outside!!
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Gratefuls
Okay, so I had my I wish post, and I already got a mean comment- IT IS A BLOG-- not an insight into my soul. Please be kind. Here are the things I am grateful for.
*MY Husband- he is a wonderful man and is constantly seeking to improve himself
*My daughter- She is the coolest kid I know. She amazes me every day with what she is capable of learning.
*My home- While it is only a rental, it is a roof over our heads- and even though we can hardly afford it, it is a good amount of space.
*My Friends- We are all busy with our families, or they are far away, but we are there for each other- and I appreciate them GREATLY
*My Family - While they are nuts, and they drive me insane at times, we are all close, and they are always there for me.
*Our car- It is a good car. And while we have to share it, it has been good to us and gets us where we need to go safely.
*The food on our Table- I know there are families that don't get to eat every meal, and while we eat the same thing a lot, there is always enough for each of us and we never have to sacrifice a meal
*Our ability to give- We try to always give a little money every month to a charity or a friend in need. We could keep the money and do something fancy or fun- but what good would that do anyone?
*Our Bed and Blankets- They are heavy, warm and soft. Not everyone is blessed with that.
*My Extras- Cookies loves them like sisters, and they show me that I want more children. I love them both dearly.
*My Miscarriage- While it hurts, and I find myself sad when I look at women's bulging bellies and think "that could be me", I can now relate to so many women in a way I could not before. Trying for a baby is HARD, and often sad. I didn't understand that before.
*Sticks to pee on... And the people who are sweet enough to buy them for me- because they are just as hopeful for the next baby as I am, and that warms my heart in ways they don't know.
*Bloggers- You all keep me humble. Thank you for taking the time to type out the wonderful things that you do.
*There are a million more things I am grateful for- and they FAR outweigh the "I wishes".... I would type all day, but I think you would be sick of me by the time I was done- if you aren't already!
*MY Husband- he is a wonderful man and is constantly seeking to improve himself
*My daughter- She is the coolest kid I know. She amazes me every day with what she is capable of learning.
*My home- While it is only a rental, it is a roof over our heads- and even though we can hardly afford it, it is a good amount of space.
*My Friends- We are all busy with our families, or they are far away, but we are there for each other- and I appreciate them GREATLY
*My Family - While they are nuts, and they drive me insane at times, we are all close, and they are always there for me.
*Our car- It is a good car. And while we have to share it, it has been good to us and gets us where we need to go safely.
*The food on our Table- I know there are families that don't get to eat every meal, and while we eat the same thing a lot, there is always enough for each of us and we never have to sacrifice a meal
*Our ability to give- We try to always give a little money every month to a charity or a friend in need. We could keep the money and do something fancy or fun- but what good would that do anyone?
*Our Bed and Blankets- They are heavy, warm and soft. Not everyone is blessed with that.
*My Extras- Cookies loves them like sisters, and they show me that I want more children. I love them both dearly.
*My Miscarriage- While it hurts, and I find myself sad when I look at women's bulging bellies and think "that could be me", I can now relate to so many women in a way I could not before. Trying for a baby is HARD, and often sad. I didn't understand that before.
*Sticks to pee on... And the people who are sweet enough to buy them for me- because they are just as hopeful for the next baby as I am, and that warms my heart in ways they don't know.
*Bloggers- You all keep me humble. Thank you for taking the time to type out the wonderful things that you do.
*There are a million more things I am grateful for- and they FAR outweigh the "I wishes".... I would type all day, but I think you would be sick of me by the time I was done- if you aren't already!
I wish
~I wish I could write like I used to. My words used to be intelligent and full of passion.These days I can hardly pulll a sentence out of my hind end.
~I wish I wasn't so sapped of energy all the time
~I wish I could sleep.
~I wish I could stay up long enough to read a few pages of a book. I used to devour them- now I am too tired.
~I wish I had the opportunity to sit down and sew for an hour, without a toddler haning off my leg and a husband calling my name.
~I wish I could eat whatever I wanted and still lose weight. Seems like every one of my siblings can do that- but not me.
~I wish I had the motivation to wake up an hour earlier (5am) and go jogging
~I wish my husband had a friend. I get quite boring at times.
~I wish I didn't feel like an obligation to people.
~I wish we had the money for 2 cars, a house, and good groceries. Cheap hamburger and rice every night is getting old.
~I wish I had the light I once had. I could see the good in everyone. I was open and friendly. Now I feel like a judgemental hermit. I hate it.
~I wish I felt beautiful again.
~I wish we could find a home church. My heart needs it.
~I wish I were brave.
~I wish I had confidence in myself. I used to sing at the top of my lungs- and wanted everyone to hear. Now I only sing for my daughter. I have lost my range and the power I once had in my lungs and voice.
This is my selfish list. It isn't supposed to be depressing, just a list of things I wish I had. I suppose we all have our days where we wish we could step back in time a little.
I was watching Take Home Chef last night. It was the one where he cooks sashmi (YUM) and a hotpot for these 4 girl friends. It is so silly- but I found myself crying when they were all sitting together laughing, hugging each other, etc. These girls WANTED to spend time together. Mind you, they didn't have the obligation (or joy) of children and family, but they were friends... I wouldn't give up anything in my life for the world- but I would love to know how that feels. I never lived alone- not in my whole life. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband. He has traveled the world... and while I have been all over America, I have never seen outside our borders. I have plenty of time to travel, and right now I want to focus on raising the munchkin and our future munchkins. There will be time for travel later.
I guess so often we want the things we cannot have. There are people who look at me and want my life and talents from the outside, and I theirs. I am so happy with what I have, there are just moments I wonder "what if?". I hope that is not ungrateful- just human.
~I wish I wasn't so sapped of energy all the time
~I wish I could sleep.
~I wish I could stay up long enough to read a few pages of a book. I used to devour them- now I am too tired.
~I wish I had the opportunity to sit down and sew for an hour, without a toddler haning off my leg and a husband calling my name.
~I wish I could eat whatever I wanted and still lose weight. Seems like every one of my siblings can do that- but not me.
~I wish I had the motivation to wake up an hour earlier (5am) and go jogging
~I wish my husband had a friend. I get quite boring at times.
~I wish I didn't feel like an obligation to people.
~I wish we had the money for 2 cars, a house, and good groceries. Cheap hamburger and rice every night is getting old.
~I wish I had the light I once had. I could see the good in everyone. I was open and friendly. Now I feel like a judgemental hermit. I hate it.
~I wish I felt beautiful again.
~I wish we could find a home church. My heart needs it.
~I wish I were brave.
~I wish I had confidence in myself. I used to sing at the top of my lungs- and wanted everyone to hear. Now I only sing for my daughter. I have lost my range and the power I once had in my lungs and voice.
This is my selfish list. It isn't supposed to be depressing, just a list of things I wish I had. I suppose we all have our days where we wish we could step back in time a little.
I was watching Take Home Chef last night. It was the one where he cooks sashmi (YUM) and a hotpot for these 4 girl friends. It is so silly- but I found myself crying when they were all sitting together laughing, hugging each other, etc. These girls WANTED to spend time together. Mind you, they didn't have the obligation (or joy) of children and family, but they were friends... I wouldn't give up anything in my life for the world- but I would love to know how that feels. I never lived alone- not in my whole life. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband. He has traveled the world... and while I have been all over America, I have never seen outside our borders. I have plenty of time to travel, and right now I want to focus on raising the munchkin and our future munchkins. There will be time for travel later.
I guess so often we want the things we cannot have. There are people who look at me and want my life and talents from the outside, and I theirs. I am so happy with what I have, there are just moments I wonder "what if?". I hope that is not ungrateful- just human.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
She's right you know...
This brilliant Momma makes another amazing point today.
We don't brag on our kids enough. Do it with pride!!! Love on those babies- take notes of everything- because we forget so quickly all the little things they do.
That is all for now.
We don't brag on our kids enough. Do it with pride!!! Love on those babies- take notes of everything- because we forget so quickly all the little things they do.
That is all for now.
I am mad at my uterus today.
It hurts- My ovaries feel like they are constantly going to explode, and I have round ligament pain... it isn't popping out eggs (I am certain of this)--
Maybe it is telling me something...
Maybe it is telling me something...
Simple things
We are moving in June. I hate moving HATE it. We are pack rats, so it seems like every time we move there is just more and more to take. There are several things that I am dreading about the move, and most of them are petty and selfish. We are moving to the south side of town. My friends live on the North side... We are moving in with my grandmother to help take care of her and fix up her house. There will be a loss of independence in doing that. I will be her driver, cook, and entertainment of sorts... I won't get paid, but we don't have to pay rent, or part of the house payment or anything aside from our share of food and utilities.
I am looking forward to these things about the move:
*A back yard. A BIG backyard, and knowing my daughter will have a safe fenced in place to play.
*Along with a yard-- a garden, and places to plant flowers
*A table to eat at, for the kids to color at, and a general place to meet.
*The freedom (of sorts) to paint our room as we like. Gran is looking forward to any renovations we think will improve the house.
*The neighborhood. It is all grown up- big trees, nice houses, nicer people. It looks like something out of the movies. I know that I will be safe if I go outside alone at night, and Cookies will (someday) be able to ride her bike without me worrying if she will come back.
*Being within 5 minutes of a grocery store. Right now we have to drive at least 20 to get anywhere decent.
I am trying to think positive. We have to justify this move to a lot of the family. We are not after her money, her house, her favor or anything. We want Gran to have the best years she can have for the rest of her life. We feel like that is what we can offer as a gift for all her kindness to us.
I am looking forward to these things about the move:
*A back yard. A BIG backyard, and knowing my daughter will have a safe fenced in place to play.
*Along with a yard-- a garden, and places to plant flowers
*A table to eat at, for the kids to color at, and a general place to meet.
*The freedom (of sorts) to paint our room as we like. Gran is looking forward to any renovations we think will improve the house.
*The neighborhood. It is all grown up- big trees, nice houses, nicer people. It looks like something out of the movies. I know that I will be safe if I go outside alone at night, and Cookies will (someday) be able to ride her bike without me worrying if she will come back.
*Being within 5 minutes of a grocery store. Right now we have to drive at least 20 to get anywhere decent.
I am trying to think positive. We have to justify this move to a lot of the family. We are not after her money, her house, her favor or anything. We want Gran to have the best years she can have for the rest of her life. We feel like that is what we can offer as a gift for all her kindness to us.
Monday, March 26, 2007
zzzzzzzzzzzz
I am so tired. I have hardly been able to function the last 3 days I have been so tired. Funny thing is- Cookies is sleeping better these days than she has in a while. I almost fell asleep driving home for taking Bum to work this AM.
I also have been unusually crampy the last few days, yet AF is still 2 weeks away....
I think I am broken, so I am going to ATTEMPT to see a doctor this week, but that will be if I am lucky.
I also have been unusually crampy the last few days, yet AF is still 2 weeks away....
I think I am broken, so I am going to ATTEMPT to see a doctor this week, but that will be if I am lucky.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Guilty Conscious
I have a terrible habit of thinking anything negative is in reference to me. I know that is terribly vain to some affect- but I spend most days sick at my stomach about it. Stupid, I know. Bad for me, I know.
All I can think is- "what did I do wrong?" and "If I did something wrong, would you PLEASE just tell me?" I would rather have hurt feelings for a couple hours than live like this. More over- I would rather just know what is going on. Please don't be cold, or avoidant... just tell me- I can take it. Just answer your phone- say it and let it be done.
On another note- I am sick of people dancing around things. Get it out- like it is.
All I can think is- "what did I do wrong?" and "If I did something wrong, would you PLEASE just tell me?" I would rather have hurt feelings for a couple hours than live like this. More over- I would rather just know what is going on. Please don't be cold, or avoidant... just tell me- I can take it. Just answer your phone- say it and let it be done.
On another note- I am sick of people dancing around things. Get it out- like it is.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
My Grey Matter Hurts
Seriously. http://www.weffriddles.com is a BAD place to go if you don't want to work your grey matter. Mine hurts from all this thinking about these riddles. I know it is good for us stay-at-home mommies to work our heads so they won't rot- but I couldn't SLEEP thinking about these things. Some of them are pieces of cake, while others leave you banging your head against a wall only to find that the answer was also, in fact, a piece of cake. GAH!!!!!!
Back to my puzzles.
Back to my puzzles.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Bad Blogger
I realized this morning what a terrible blogger I am. I have been reading other people's blogs, and they are deep, meaningful, or at least insightful. I post short little meaningless blubs- and they are irregular at that. I guess I learned a long time ago that anything I didn't want people to know about I shouldn't put in writing. So I can't talk about it- cause Bum only gets defensive when I am honest about how I feel, and I can't write about it because people might find it. Lonely place to be.
I suppose that is what this whole "password protected" thing is about. I don't think that is offered here... I don't ask for people's passwords because I see it as something similar to sitting on the toilet- I don't need to see everything you do- and if you want me to you will ask me into the room.
The last couple days have been good, but sad for me. I can't really explain WHY, but sad. I really want to get some things done and taken care of that have been out of my control, I wish I could do something about it- but I can't. I need to hit the gym- Bum thinks we are both fat- and I can't help but agree at least on my end-- I could use to lose 20lbs before I get pregnant again. I have severe writers block, and can't motivate to do much- not even sew. Oh well, all part of the dance I suppose.
I suppose that is what this whole "password protected" thing is about. I don't think that is offered here... I don't ask for people's passwords because I see it as something similar to sitting on the toilet- I don't need to see everything you do- and if you want me to you will ask me into the room.
The last couple days have been good, but sad for me. I can't really explain WHY, but sad. I really want to get some things done and taken care of that have been out of my control, I wish I could do something about it- but I can't. I need to hit the gym- Bum thinks we are both fat- and I can't help but agree at least on my end-- I could use to lose 20lbs before I get pregnant again. I have severe writers block, and can't motivate to do much- not even sew. Oh well, all part of the dance I suppose.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Ignore this post.
I am irritated. I have been patient. Maybe I will just do it myself- cause it is never gonna get done if I keep asking you. Joys of a relationship.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Monday, March 12, 2007
Another hump in the roller coaster
So the evil Aunt came and stayed a few days... Like I said before, I have peace about this whole thing. AF still sucks though.
Bum's job is a little rocky at the moment- don't you love that feeling of wondering if your DH will have a job at the end of the day? It truly is day to day right now. Somedays he wants to just throw in the towel, and some days he feels like he can stick it out ... Far from easy on either of us. He is so wiped emotionally at the end of the day that he can hardly muster a hug- let alone any other form of affection. It is very lonely with him hiding in his computer and school work.
One of my closest friends is having a hard time too- How do I help? What can I say? I feel like... maybe there is nothing, maybe i simply just need to be there. I'm here my friend...
I am a fixer- so this feeling helpless kills me - not that my life is a ray of sunshine, but I hate seeing anyone I care about in a funk.
Bum's job is a little rocky at the moment- don't you love that feeling of wondering if your DH will have a job at the end of the day? It truly is day to day right now. Somedays he wants to just throw in the towel, and some days he feels like he can stick it out ... Far from easy on either of us. He is so wiped emotionally at the end of the day that he can hardly muster a hug- let alone any other form of affection. It is very lonely with him hiding in his computer and school work.
One of my closest friends is having a hard time too- How do I help? What can I say? I feel like... maybe there is nothing, maybe i simply just need to be there. I'm here my friend...
I am a fixer- so this feeling helpless kills me - not that my life is a ray of sunshine, but I hate seeing anyone I care about in a funk.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Simple Pleasures
Like peeing on a stick... What fun it is! Seriously- I enjoy it- regardless of the outcome.
I took another test yesterday, after much cramping and no AF... I am now 2 days late, no AF and still a - in the little line box. Funny thing is- I am okay with it- not that pretend "lets put on a happy face" okay, but really, truly okay. I have come to the understanding that God has a plan for us, and that the timing will be perfect for what our family needs. Trying is just too hard on our relationship- Bum is boring when he feels pressured into the bedroom and depressed when we test with a -. Not to say I won't chart anymore... OR poas... cause lord knows I enjoy it emensly- but I am not going to tell Bum about it anymore.
Oh... and making candy duckies for babies showers... THAT is a simple pleasure... LOL
I took another test yesterday, after much cramping and no AF... I am now 2 days late, no AF and still a - in the little line box. Funny thing is- I am okay with it- not that pretend "lets put on a happy face" okay, but really, truly okay. I have come to the understanding that God has a plan for us, and that the timing will be perfect for what our family needs. Trying is just too hard on our relationship- Bum is boring when he feels pressured into the bedroom and depressed when we test with a -. Not to say I won't chart anymore... OR poas... cause lord knows I enjoy it emensly- but I am not going to tell Bum about it anymore.
Oh... and making candy duckies for babies showers... THAT is a simple pleasure... LOL
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Ketchup is baby crack
Cookies LOVES Ketchup. LOVES it- she prefers it over cheese almost. Have I mentioned she is awesome? Aside from her temper tantrums she is darn near the coolest kid I know. Part of that is mommy-vision, but I love her, and she is impossible to resist. Thanks again to Girl for capturing a wonderful moment in Cookie's life.
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