1 week and counting

39 weeks today. I am curious to see how long he is going to hold out. I don't mean to whine so much- but it is pretty much the only thing on my mind right now.

It is so true that they come when they want to. We tried acupressure, walking, sex, massage, spicy food, epo, pretty much everything safe- my body doesn't so much as twitch for those things.

Probably no December baby, but we will have a baby eventually- just have to wait it out.

Progress

I am still contracting several times an hour. Went to the Dr today, and I am now 4 cm. Stubborn baby- he wants to hang curtains.

I got spoiled with Cookies. The Dr said I am having the first baby experience the second time. He is gonna be a turd.

He either needs to come NOW- or wait till Girl comes back from the mountains. Kim needs her friend there.

&*(^)*&^*^%@#*%

I am so frustrated I could spit. False fucking labor ALL night last night- all day yesterday. So even though I didn't feel like I was progressing- I went in for my slightly panicked husband. NOTHING. Contractions ALL day- the ones that hurt- and my fucking cervix didn't even move forward.

Son of a bitch.

I shouldn't whine cause I am not even to my due date- but I hurt, I'm tired and you know, they couldn't have made me feel more like an ass at the hospital. The stupid resident looked at me and said "Do you remember what it felt like with your daughter??? When you feel like that again, you should be ready to come back."

Well thanks asshole, yes I do remember. I remember not having a single painful contraction till the day she came. Then my water broke- and she was here later that day. I thought the second time was supposed to go faster. I am so frustrated right now...

They wouldn't even do an aggressive exam to get things rolling better. Look lady- you try being up for 3 days straight not because you are timing contractions, but because they hurt enough to wake you. Bastards.

I don't want to go back. I went in for my husband- and they talk to me like I am my 2 year old. Thanks assholes-- now I know why women have their babies on the toilet in their bathrooms.

I am so not going to be able to handle this going on for another week. I don't want hugs- I just want them to stop or for them to move forward. GAHHHHHHH.

I just realized

Tomorrow is probably Lil Miss' last day at my house. It makes my tummy flop to think that she probably won't be coming back again. See, she is going to be a big sister too- and as much as I want to be super mom, 2 toddlers and 2 infants, 1 which I would have to bottle feed, is probably too much for me to handle.

She came to me after being attacked by another kid at her old daycare. I will never forget the first day I met her. Her bitty face was all bruised from where the little boy had bitten her. She was tiny and shy, barely 2 years old. She sang me the alphabet and I fell for her. She has grow up so much since she first came to stay with me. She used to be a scared little girl- if I went to a room in the house that she wasn't familiar with, she would cry. It was almost impossible for her to interact with anyone she didn't know, and she would cry the first 5 minutes we were anywhere. That overly timid toddler has blossomed into a little girl. She now loves to go places and explore, and loves to talk to new people. I hope I had a little part in that.

She and Cookies are like sisters (they fight like sisters too)- and I only hope that my lil one's heart doesn't break when she realizes her playmate is being replaced by a little brother. Soon enough he will be old enough to play too, but it won't be the same.

So come on out Bubbles... My sister is coming into town and I want you to meet her before she leaves (I am SO scared you won't come out before she leaves). Otherwise you won't get to meet your dorky aunt #3 until you are 6 months old. She really is cool, and after tomorrow, you don't need to wait anymore. Daddy will be off work for a week, dorky aunt #3 will be here, we will have finished our week with Lil Miss, and you would be the best Christmas present that any of us could imagine. All of your Aunts, virtual or no want to meet you. I want to meet you. We all want to meet you. Finish cooking my love. Stop teasing mommy with all of these contractions.

All the things I keep putting off

We are taking the hospital tour tonight. More for Cookies than for us-- but still. Way to put it all off- eh?

I also haven't packed any bags. NONE. Not even an overnight bag for Cookies.

Pre-registered at the hospital? Nope. Not that either.

His clothes are clean, His blankets are made, but the car seat base still isn't installed.

The co-sleeper isn't set up, and there are no new sheets made for his Moses basket. Not that he will sleep in either anyways.

No nursing gear yet, but camies will do till I know the enormity of my chest after engorgement.

Birthplan is done, phone numbers are listed, I have a list of what should be packed- but none of it is done yet. I rule.

37

Happy Term Day to me.

Bubbles is a tease. I woke up Saturday morning to although mild, very regular contractions- every 8 minutes on the dot. lasted for 3 hours, then stopped. Went most of the day without, then had the same thing happen in the evening. Same story Sunday.

Makes me appreciate the way Cookies chose to come into the world. She showed her personality even in the way she was born. "Hello, I want to come out, so I am doing it today- and there is nothing you can do to stop me!" I woke up the morning of her due date with regular contractions that kept getting stronger, showered, finished packing, started to watch a movie and my water broke. She announced that she was coming. She didn't ask. I love that about her. Driven already and she isn't even 2 yet. Makes my life a little harder now- but I think if I don't manage to screw her up too badly she will make a nice adult. Driven with a tender heart. She rocks.

Back to Bubbles... This teasing makes me wonder what he is going to be like. A little more timid perhaps? Even more of a clown that his sister? Will I ever sleep again? At least I have a great weight loss system-- they sleep in my room with me. Cookies RUNS- fast for even a toddler and has kept me on my toes since she started walking. In the past, I would march around with her, acting like we were in a parade, being different animals. Belly is too big to march now. Thank God for Girl-- she is an awesome parent- Cookies loves her and would follow her to the moon if it meant she could pretend to be a monkey a little longer. I wonder if Bubbles will run as fast as Hailey. Makes me wish I had arms that stretched like the mom in the Incredibles. That way, when they run in separate directions- I could just stretch out and grab them...

Bum told me not to go into labor till Friday. He begs me to go all weekend- then tells me last night not to go till at least Friday. Thanks Dude- I'll put in an order. Anyone else want me to go into labor when it is convenient for them? Post your availability now, I'll do my best to accommodate your needs. He just wants the rest of his days off to be for the week of Christmas. I understand that-- but don't make me feel like a freaking egg timer.

Ah the stupid crap that bugs me these days. I'll just keep putting off packing my hospital bag. Maybe that will keep him in a little longer.

100

I'll have to do 100 things now.

Today is my attempt to walk Bubbles into 3cm. It is snowing and I am insane, but I have to go to Joann. I also want a yummy salad, so I am taking Cookies to Sweet Tomatoes.

Not too fun to go out alone-- but I don't want to drag anyone else out in this weather (it's snowing).

I am feeling a wee bit lonely today, not sure why, so I am going to try and get up and move around a bit.

a

Another 2 am. She tries so hard to go to sleep. I hope she isn't sick.

I hate money. I hate taxes. I hate that school cost so much and knowing I will probably never get to go back because we will be paying forever. I hate knowing that I can do nothing about our finances. I hate this point in pregnancy where I worry about everything. I know deep down it will be okay.

Cook a little more Bubbles-- then you are getting an eviction notice.

bleck

General feeling for the day. Cookies fell asleep at 8:15, Bum at 8:30- I was so excited to have a few minutes of ME time. I got a chance to talk to a friend- and while most of it was tear filled, it was nice to sit and talk to her without having to get up and tend to things other than my pea sized bladder.

Then 10 rolled around. I heard bitty footsteps above my head, then suddenly a set of hand pulling on my shirt. At least she knows where to find me if I am not in bed. So I said goodbye to my friend, and took her upstairs...

12am... she still can't fall back asleep. She was being wonderful and trying- but every time I would get up to go to bed, there she was on my heels. Hours of sitting on the hard floor is hard on a pregnant body. Finally at around 12:45 she fell asleep. I literally crawled to bed and couldn't sleep because my pelvis hurt so bad-- but I stayed up there in case she woke up. I gave up the fight at about 3:15 and grabbed a book. Poor Bum had a hard hard day at work and needed to sleep. Not that I don't- but he doesn't do so hot on no sleep. I just cry more than usual- he turns into a butthead. So I sat in the bathroom and read.

Then Cookies woke up at 7. I sure hope she naps well today. I won't get one cause Lil Miss doesn't nap anymore, but at least it would be nice to have one kiddo in a good mood.

Nice way to top off a rough evening.

Yet another plug for Girl

Cause she did my maternities... And she made me feel gorgeous. Not easy for a person who struggles with self image.

My Belly

We had an appointment yesterday. To this point I have gained a total of 28lbs. That is literally HALF of what I gained with Cookies. WOW. Hopefully all of it and more will come off this time.

I am 2cm dilated (Nice to know all these damn BH's are doing SOMETHING), soft and slightly effaced. Bet you wanted to know all the details of my inner workings- didn't you?

Cookies LOVED this Dr. We had never met her before, yet Cookies walked over, handed her a cookie and wanted to hold her hand the whole appointment. I can't help but hope she is the one to deliver Bubbles. She even asked if I wanted Cookies there-- and suggested that we should have her there as long as she didn't get scared. That rocked my world. How many Doctors invite an almost 2 year old to run around a room for hours??

-----------------

I have been having the kookiest dreams lately. Most involving my friend who is invited to the birth and how the Dr's thought I was just the surrogate mom- or how I couldn't hold Bubbles till she could get there- things like that, cause I am CRRRRAZY. Only a couple bad ones so far, and lots and lots of how how might look. More than finding out the sex, discovering what they look like is the best part for me. Whose nose, whose ears, how much hair, is it curly or straight?

Cookies had long dark brown curls when she was born. It took less than 24 hours to turn into chicken fuzz (love it) and for all the nurses to adopt her as their favorite toy doll for hair styles. With in a week it had a hint of red, then by 5 months it had mostly fallen out only to be replaced with gorgeous blonde curls. Blonde hair, blue eyes. Boy are we in trouble.

I can't wait to meet him. Will he be a spit fire like his sister? You know- she can scale the entertainment center that is 6' tall. She loves to see people happy- but she isn't afraid to pull out a can of whoop ass if she needs to. Will he be a good sleeper? Cookies sure isn't. Will he be a peanut or a moose? What color hair will he have?

I am so excited- but I am trying also to embrace these last days of just me and my girl. These last days that he is mine and mine alone. There are less of them than more. I am somewhere between terrified and excited.

Shameless Plug

Girl's Cards are the best. Check them out. Just doooo it. ;)

It shouldn't make me so sad

My BIL isn't talking to me. I didn't do anything... I don't think I did at least. I got a good chuckle the other day about something going on with him- but only because we have been in his shoes, and it was ironic that he was now in the same situation. He didn't even know about my chuckle.

I called him last night to ask him about his fiance- I would like to get her something for Christmas, but I don't know ANYTHING about her. We have never spoken, never met, anything like that. I don't even know if she likes to cook or not. He didn't answer, so I left a message. No call back. I texted him, nothing. He texted Bum instead.

It hurt my feelings. We used to be great friends. He lived with us for most of my first pregnancy- and although lazy- was a nice friend to have around. We used to talk on the phone, he would call me if he needed to talk, but slowly, he stopped calling. Now he doesn't talk to me? It is stupid- but it hurts.

New Babies!

Baby Blake and Baby Carter are here! Congratulations Mommas! Your boys are perfect and beautiful!


By the way- did you realize they both weighed almost the exact same at birth? How cool is that?

Total WCP

I was inundated with "I think ________ is hot" this evening.

Girl... My mom thinks Buns is hot. "Not at all hard to look at" she says. My mom. I can't help but laugh- cause it is my mom. My response to her? Yep- there isn't a single member of that family who isn't easy on the eyes.

Kami... My husband thinks you are hot. I think the pirate costume (not to mention red wig) did it for him.

Andria... We are both thoroughly impressed with you overdue hotness. Seriously woman, you look fabulous.

My sister wants to sleep with Dane Cook.

My other sister thinks people who I have never heard of are hot.

I got probably 10 phone calls tonight. 7 of them involved some form of conversation about someone being hot. Reminds me of high school. LOL!

Yep- it is gone

Brain has been eaten. At least it is going to a good cause. Bubbles needs it more than I do.

It is obvious to me that it is gone- because, well, things that don't normally bother me are. My conscious is guiltier than usual, I have this driving need to have my friends be "okay" with me- and even if they are, it feels like they aren't. I am having full on melt downs about things that really aren't even issues. Money is at the forefront- we are okay. We aren't starving (I am, but I blame the bottomless pit--lol), we pay all of our bills and even have a little extra left over- but we are paupers in a million dollar neighborhood, and it is easy for Bum and myself to get caught up in not being "equal" with our neighbors.

Funk or no funk- we are extremely blessed, and I am doing my best to remember that. I am blessed to have the support of not only my husband, but friends as well. I am blessed to be able to create things for my daughter. I am blessed to be pregnant- the list goes on- and I try to remind myself of that every day.

While I haven't done anything remarkably stupid yet (i.e. leaving the the stove on or running the faucet all day), DAMN I feel stupid. Good thing Cookies likes me no matter what I say, at least for the next few months.

Meet Dorothy

Cookies on her first Halloween outing. Last year she was only 10 months old and it was snowing. Mommy and Daddy didn't want candy THAT bad.


I had FOUR people ask if she was little red riding hood. The cape is BLUE people- wtf? Oh, not to mention the ruby slippers. People are blind sometimes to the obvious.

This year, she was spent after about 10 houses. Kinda bums me out because I was looking forward to the loot- but it is better for my waistline anyhow.

I am no longer sleeping at night. As soon as I get up to pee- that is the end of sleep for me. My daughter is restless, and my husband grinds his teeth like he is munching on carrots. As a result- I say even stupider things than usual, am emotionally shredded, and physically exhausted. Coffee doesn't even help anymore. So while I feel good- I don't. Not necessarily in a sad kind of way- but like I can NEVER feel rest. You are supposed to be able to come home and have a peace there that you cannot find elsewhere-- I don't have that. I feel worse here that I do other places. How saddening. Makes me want to rent a hotel room just so I can get a friggin break. Whine, whine whine whine.

I am sorry ahead of time if I offend anyone or say something idiotic over the next several weeks. My brain has been eaten- and I am more or less a zombie. Time to just stay out of people's hair.

29w 4d

Holy crap- how did I get this far so fast?

She's growing up.

Cookies amazes me. She has a better grasp on things than I am willing to admit, and I knew that for sure when she grabbed one of Bubbles' ultrasound pictures- and announce that that was her baby brother. We had never told her that before.
She is desperately trying to figure out this whole potty thing- and wants to know everything about everything.
She watches Finding Nemo like it is her first time seeing it every time she watches- even though it is on at least once a day. I wish I had the sense of wonder and enthusiasm she has.

Look at how much she has grown

2 Months



22 Months

Feel your Boobies

1 year ago

Today, a year ago, I went to lunch with my friends, then to the dollar store, then to the hospital.
One year ago today, I lost our lil peanut. And while it is a day of remembrance- I am not overly sad. I am blessed to have Bubbles now.
God knew what he was doing. There was something about Peanut that couldn't have made it to the outside world. The experience was traumatic, painful, and scary. I felt like I had done something wrong. I felt... insufficient. Other people blamed the fact I was still breastfeeding my daughter. It was a hard few weeks for me, and probably just as hard a few weeks for a friend who found out she was pregnant just as I found out I wasn't.

I can't believe a year has gone so fast. It feels like moments ago. The time between Peanut and Bubbles felt like an eternity at the time- yet here I am- looking back, and realizing it was just a blink.

What an amazing year it has been. Now I wait for my son to be born- and that is coming FAST. I am so thankful for him. I am so thankful for Cookies. I am so thankful for Peanut. Peanut allowed me to understand something I couldn't have understood without going through it.

???

I'm confused- and no one will help me. My mom isn't even answering her phone. This isn't good for the preggo.

I hate that the most idiotic things make me cry.

On another note

Bum is trying. He really is. I think the fact that I end up in tears most days has made him realize I need a little help. Or at least I hope that he has realized it.
Spending has gotten better. Big relief.

Please forgive the Mirror

You know who you are. Almost got done with mine- read yours and realized they are an awful lot alike.


I feel Broken. Not physically- but spiritually and mentally. God does the spiritual one to me on occasion, because I get out of check on things- and more often than not this feeling starts with me begging for help. He always does- but it sure doesn't feel good while it is happening. You would think that it would be all warm fuzzies, but that isn't the way things work. You can't change without breaking away some of the chipped pieces and replacing them with fresh ones.

I have a home church- but it is too far away to go to anymore. I was fed spiritually, I was active in the church, and Cookies LOVED the children's ministry. I have always felt like my relationship to God is just that-- MINE- and I didn't need church to have that- but the last few days I have had this overwhelming drive to find a church. It is almost like spiders under my skin over it. No reason why, just is.

Maybe the mental stuff is what is driving me. I see myself on a fast track to depression lately. I usually slip a little in the spring, but this year it seems like the fall is pulling at me. Blame pregnancy, blame my current living situation, blame whatever. The end result is me feeling completely worthless. I feel like I use the people I care about. If I don't do it 100% myself, I feel like I am using someone. I just hope it is in my head and not reality. I asked Bum to tell me if I was using him- maybe I should do the same for the others. I feel like I am never going to be good enough for anything. I am so tired all of the time- but I can't sleep. My mind is riddled with guilt, lists, and things I keep telling myself I will never be. Self abuse is a vicious thing. Sad thing is- we self abusers seem to group together. We try to lift each other up, give comfort (I am a notorious "fixer")- but the other can't hear it, because their own voice of abuse is too loud to hear the good words- the truth.

What makes us like this? What happened to the outgoing, friendly, social girl that wasn't scared of anything? I feel like I stepped into the looking glass. I am shy, awkward, and I don't do well in social situations. I always put my foot in my mouth, and make an ass of myself. I do it with my friends too- but they are kind enough not to rub it in my face.

And now I need to stop for now because I am babbling.

Men.

Don't get me wrong- I love my husband DEARLY- and we get along great, he is my best friend- really, he is. I have to choose my battles though, so Bum's good name is going to get smashed here because I don't feel like it is worth it to bitch at him about it.

How hard is it to remember to pull the freaking car seats out of the car before you leave the house? I mean- seriously- I remind you 2 MINUTES before you walk out of the door. I had errands to run today, and you have school- which means I A)Won't see you until after 9 tonight and B) I can't get ANYTHING I needed to done today. It makes me feel like the things I need are completely unimportant to you. If you make a request, I do my very very best to follow through IMMEDIATELY for you- because I want you to be happy.

I approached you about your spending last night- and you had the nerve to bitch at me about paying bills. I am proud of myself though- I stood up to you, and even though you kept reminding me that I am pregnant (BELIEVE ME I KNOW), I stood my ground. I am so proud of you for recognizing that you have been a little out of control the last couple of months- but I still don't think you understand that yes, that stupid snowboard rack went on OUR car-- but it is YOUR toy- not ours. All I want is a couple pairs of maternity pants- since I am STILL wearing my old jeans, and a pair of overalls-- and that is it.

I am sitting here at this desk, the one you use so often, looking at the mess you mentioned last night. You know what is interesting? It is all of YOUR shit everywhere. My things are in a nice pile in the corner. There is a 4 day old soda cup still here, that I am not touching- simply to make a point, you papers are everywhere and your books that I put away every day are out. I really feel like I have an extra toddler some days. You try to help- and your cleaning out the garage while I was gone was great- but did you even TOUCH inside the house?

You are such a wonderful man Bum. I know you love this family- and I know that your going to school and busting hump are for us, but I need you to think outside of your bubble a little- not much, just a little.

It makes me sad.

That that poem/story about the woman saying she was going to bed-- and did all those chores, and the man said he was going to bed and did is SO true.

We went upstairs at the same time-- he threw the CLEAN laundry on the floor, crawled in bed, and went to sleep. I changed Cookies, got her fresh water, read her a story, sat and held her hand while she fell asleep. Then I picked the clean laundry up off the floor, hung&folded it, put it away, started a fresh load of wash, picked up the trash, moved his shoes so I wouldn't trip on them, then finally got to crawl into bed... And that was just the upstairs stuff.

So often I feel lazy- because my house is ALWAYS a mess- but if I quit- or if I took "vacation"-- everything would go to hell in a hand basket. I know he works hard, I know he goes to school. I just wish he could see everything I do and not take it for granted.

I guess I'm it!

Been Tagged. This one looks fun though!!

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet, current car)
Andy Cherokee
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream, favorite cookie)
Mint Chocolate Chip Peanutbutter
3. YOUR FLY “GUY/GIRL” NAME: (first initial first name, first 3 letters last name)
KRod
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Blue Elephant
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Anne Pheonix
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters last name, first 2 letters first name)
Rodki
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink and add” the”)
Pink The Peach Ice Tea
8. NASCAR NAME: (first names of your grandfathers)
Phillip Edward
9. STRIPPER NAME: (favorite perfume, favorite candy)
Vanilla Butterfinger
10. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s and father’s middle names)
Margaret Mitchell

I tag ummm Kris, Jess and Molly.

ugh

More than half of the pictures I had forgotten to back up are gone. Literally gone. I sure hope my computer whiz Dad can recover them. WHile not the end of the world- I was just gearing up to print a LOT of them- and it breaks my heart that I lost that many memories.

Pray they can be recovered. Please.

My sister is hot

Don't you think? She let me practice on her. Not nearly what Girl does-- but it is a start!!

Oye

My brain is gone. Bubbles and Cookies ate it- or as Bum would say, they are acting as my brain horcruxes (Harry Potter)-- however, I don't think I could get it back from them if I wanted to. That is okay with me. They can use my smarts- I just need to be able to take care of them.

I have become incapable of retaining lists for more than a few seconds at a time. Seriously, if I don't write it down- it is forgotten within a matter of seconds. Just a part of being pregnant I guess.

Lil Mr.Bubbles likes to lay at a diagonal. Not quite transverse, but enough for me to notice. In doing so, he has somehow pinned my sciatic nerve- lovely feeling. This kid is LONG like his sister. He is ALREADY plowing me in the ribs. He doesn't like when I drink ice water, so I get a plow to the stomach when that happens. Makes me laugh. Sorry sweet boy, Mommy isn't going to drink luke warm water for you. He is quieter than Cookies was, but I think that may be because I am busier. I have to remember that they are different kiddos though, and he isn't going to do all the things she did.

Cookies has figured out that there is a baby in my belly. She is convinced if she reaches far enough into my belly button (ouch) that she can get him out. I wish I could capture what she does. She sings "Baby Mine" and pets my stomach. Instead of holding my hand to go to sleep, she wants to have her hand on my belly. Yesterday, she called it a "pillow". She crawled into my lap, lifted my shirt, layed her head down and was fast asleep within minutes. I can't wait to capture that on film.
I am so excited to meet him. I am even more excited to have HER meet him. I am thinking about having her there with us, providing things are going well and Mommy isn't moaning and crying in pain (that would scare her). What a special moment that would be to have her there to hold him with us. We will see what happens.

This is us...

Bubbles is hiding behind Cookies... How did I have anything to do with such a pretty kid?

Oh- and lookie what is FINALLY all pieced together! Now I have to quilt it... I promise I will post an "ALL DONE" photo too!

Blessed

So do you think I could win worst blogger award? Do they have a worst blogger award? Lately- I think I might deserve it if they did. Pregnant everything is starting to set in, and with that come the ability to focus on one, maybe two things at a time. Everything else goes by the wayside, including this blog. Hopefully I can be better about it in the near future. Lord knows I have plenty to say, although most of it is hormones and make me look completely insane.


I spend a lot of my time feeling very lonely-- it isn't a pity party kind of thing, just an emotion... I think it comes in the mom package- at least my mom package. It isn't really substantiated, but I think when you spend your days with 2 toddlers and an 84 year old woman, you lose yourself in the process of caring for all of them (plus one husband in the evening). Maybe that is where the lonely comes from-- a loss of self. Doesn't help that it seems every time I try to grasp beyond just the "Mom" title, and reach for artist, intellectual, or any of the other things I am capable of, I feel scolded by my family, then feel guilty that I even thought of myself. Comes with the territory I suppose.

Here is where the lonely is unsubstantiated: I am blessed with wonderful friends. Some of them I have never met in person, and we may never meet- but that doesn't keep us from knowing or caring about each other. I may never meet their children, so many of whom I love without ever wrapping my arms around- but we keep each other updated, we send pictures and even mail the occasional gift (usually with no reason other than we felt like it).

Some live locally, and I have been blessed enough to spend time with them, and we have grown close. Really, in a lot of ways, we are like a family. We mother hen each other's children- and beyond that, love them like they were our own. We don't need to talk every day, or "hang out" often to maintain that relationship. We can get frustrated with the other, and need a bit of a break, and they seem on some level to understand. You don't find that kind of thing every day. I am amazed that they tolerate me some days. I know I can be a bit of a lil miss talks a lot, and sometimes try to relate to a situation I know nothing about, but they are patient with me-- and that, to me, means the world. They think of me when others don't. Who, on their second child, is blessed enough to have people who want to throw her a shower? I didn't do anything to deserve it-- yet they want to out of the kindness of their hearts. I never ever expected it- and I am amazed and touched. How do you repay that kind of kindness? I don't think a thank you card quiet does it.

Yo!

Today is Girl's Birthday...

Happy Birthday Girl- I hope you are having a beautiful day!

Bubbles is a............

Well-- what do you think??




EEEEE I am so excited!!

:(

Today, I feel like I can't win. That is all.

Best Buddies

Thats Chub and Cookies... Our first "daughter" and our human daughter. They both rock.

This week is going SOOOOOOOOOOO slow for me. I was hoping today was Thursday, because that would mean we get to go to the Dr tomorrow. It will get here faster than I expect, but the waiting is killing me.
This US will just be us. I invited a friend who we love dearly, but she has a prior commitment and can't make it. Good thing they give us pictures. My Mom wanted to come... But she did everything with us with Cookies, and I want to give Bum a chance to play the support role this time. I spent most of Cookie's pregnancy mad at him and relied on my mom to help me through all the tears. It is only fair I give him a chance. He may not live up to my expectations, but at least if I let him try, and he gives it a go, it will be better than nothing.

He said last night he no longer desires to understand women like he once did in his early 20's. We are too complex he says. He also believes there is a secret "woman code"... I think he is on to all of us.

Funeral

The sewing machine didn't make it out alive. I don't understand why they couldn't have told me before Friday... But they waited.

Bum traded it in for a refurbished industrial machine. Aside from a few fun stitches, it is all that the other machine was and more. I love it.


The morning before he did that, Cookies threw my phone in the toilet. I sobbed for hours about all my things getting ruined. Stupid and selfish- but hey, I am allowed.

Bum also managed to get my cell to work. MAgic I tell you. The sweet stuff like that reminds me why I married him.

So we had a funeral for the machine, a near death to the cell phone, and a rebirth to sewing.

I miss caffeine

I am still trying to cut it out entirely. Nutjob that I am. I drink a Coke now and then- gets me going a little- but never enough. I miss my coffee, but the smell of it brewing is not so good to me these days. I think I will gain less weight if I don't drink the sugary drinks (I gained 54 with Cookies- YIKES!). Maybe it is the energy I miss more than the actual caffeine. I have more of it this time around than I did with Cookies, and I am already over the majority of the pukeies, despite the fact that I chase 2 wonderful toddlers around all day... It will be interesting to see what we are having.

I should be getting my sewing machine back on Friday, which makes me SO happy. I feel like I have been missing a limb. I finally broke down and called the shop, because I have heard NOTHING for over a week. he said by Friday- so hopefully Friday is a good day.

Sob...

My dog just broke my sewing machine. I got up from it and went to answer the phone. Suddenly I hear a dog scramble and spin to see my $400 machine flying through the air. It crashed onto a cement floor. I don't know what to do. Bum JUST bought me it for Christmas. I was going to finish a quilt this week so I could start on outfits.

I don't think I want dogs anymore.

zzzzzzzzzzzz

Cookies woke up at 5:30 this morning. Between that and my multiple bathroom trips at night- I think I slept all of 4 hours. I want to go to bed. WAH!

August 17th

That is the big Ultrasound day. Just over a month away...








Bubbles the naughty baby. Backside up- see that pretty white line? That is baby spine. (Head is to the right)

Today

Friday the 13th rocks. Always been a good day for me- and today is no different. This is the least morning sickness I have had in weeks. Tomorrow will probably suck, but for today... I can eat, at least a little.

Babies, Babies EVERYWHERE!

We had an appointment yesterday- it went great. Bubbles is NAUGHTY and hid from the heart doppler- so guess what? We got ANOTHER ultrasound! I have a picture that I will take a picture of and post it soon. Everything looks GREAT so far, and I have my BIG ultrasound on August 17th. I gained a WHOPPING 3/4 of a lb- go me! I just hope I can keep that up.

Girl had Doogal. He is GORGEOUS and wonderful! Jess' Sweet baby boy is finally here! I can't wait to meet him. Jess rocked the house with her labor- almost 3 straight days! So many babies are arriving, and you would be amazed at how beautiful they all are. Amy found out she is having a boy- YAY! I feel like the luckiest person in the world right now with all these babies being born.

She loves him

I hope all of our babies love their Daddy as much as she does. She has been his little shadow the last few days. It is precious. I love them.


Here is 13w4d. My jeans are getting to small- I lasted much longer in them than last time- hopefully that is a good sign. I don't want to gain 54lbs again.




I have a doctors appointment today- and we get to schedule the half way ultrasound- this time, things are flying.

Keep Jess and Canape In your prayers today. Jess is off to have her beautiful baby boy. Canape just needs some virtual hugs. Cletus would have been due today. I am so glad bird is doing well.

I just...

Bought Cookies new crocs- REAL crocs. The Mary Jane ones- I even let her pick the color. So stinking cute. Guess what happened. My mom lost one.


Damn.

Our 4th

I put away my hat today and just had fun with our friends (Instead of worrying about the camera)

Cookies and Daddy at the Zoo




Cookies and the Twins. They are 3 weeks older than she is- and they are all a HOOT together!




Cookies loved the Seal lions so much she needed to give them a smooch!

Thats right- we went to the zoo! We went with our friends from our birthing class. We hadn't seen each other in over 6 months, so it was great to get together again. The girls all adored each other, as we knew they would. They also all loved the animals. Cookies has never taken such interest before- but it was near impossible to pull her away from all the fish!

The day way completely devoid of fireworks (again) which made me cry- cause babies should have sparklers. I called my mom crying about it- so guess what the awesome woman did? She got sparklers and we are going up to their house Saturday so this Momma can get her fix!

I will post a few more pictures later- Cookies wants her MILK!

10 weeks, a little late.

YOUR BABY THIS WEEK

This is the first week that your baby's weight is substantial enough to be measured! Still, he or she is tiny, weighing about 5 grams (0.18 ounces). About the size of a small plum, your baby is between 1.25 inches and 1.75 inches (4.4 cm) long.

Your Baby: This week signals the end of the "embryonic stage" and the start of the "fetal period". And with it comes rapid growth spurts. The good news is that the critical stage of development is over, and there is very little risk of developing congenital malformations from this point on. That doesn't mean you still don't have to be careful. Exposure to certain drugs, x-rays, alcohol, cigarette smoke, or even stress can still cause your baby harm.

<---------------------

Is it just me or is that ticker thing FREAKING out? I tried to fix it- and it is doing the same thing still. Either I went into a coma for 9 weeks, or their site is wigged a bit.

We are still moving. It will never end. Aside from out clothes, part of me just wants to leave the rest as a "gift" for the new people. Moving is evil. Don't do it if you can avoid it. You realize just how many toys one can collect for a single child in just about a year and a half.

Drumroll Please!

Here is is! Sorry it took so long. Between dummy hubby and getting ready to move this weekend, well, you know.

Hopefully we will get to see this peanut again soon! And maybe a profile this time? Huh baby? Intead of a backside- PLEASE?

If they won't do it for you...

Do it yourself. Cookies and I are dragging our tushies down to Bum's work to pick up the damn picture. I swear he is blonder at heart than I am sometimes. After all of my nagging, you would think he would remember to bring the lil thing home.
On that note- I can't seem to remember my pin number for my debit card. I use it almost every day- but my brain is being sucked into my uterus and I can remember squat. Actually, not true. I can remember the little details of my friend's schedules. Like a walking appointment book. "Hey Kim, when is field day?" Next Thursday. Oh, and don't forget your Doctors appointment on the 6th. Yep- I am a loser.

Providing all goes well, there will be a picture on here in the next few hours. Let me warn you, the child is mooning us already, and so it is a lovely shot of baby's backside. My kids rock- even in utero.

Okay, I haven't posted because my dummy husband keeps forgetting the picture at work, and, well, I want to post a picture!

Update

We have 1 perfect lil baby! 154 beats per minute, right on track for January 11th, 2008!

My body has almost completely reabsorbed the 2nd sac, so even though we started with 2, we have 1 now, and that is a-ok with me. Bum is really upset, but I think he will be okay.

I will update more after my dr's appointment tomorrow morning. Promise :)

Water and Big mouths

I remembered yesterday why I didn't want to tell anyone outside of the computer that I was pregnant. We went out on the lake with my parents, siblings and a few of my parent's friends. Despite the fact that I asked that they don't tell anyone- my parents told their friends. While typically not a big deal, they neglected to tell them that they are NOT to say anything around my sister. We had a close encouter with her finding out.

The reason we are not telling her for as long as possible, is because she hardly takes care of the daughter she has (my parent's care for her 90% of time), and is the type of person who would go try to get knocked up just because I am. She wants to be the center of attention at all times. Bum asked last night if we could not tell her until the day before I was due. I told him- with the way I show... I don't think she would mistake it for being fat. All we can do is hope she doesn't try to copy me when she does find out.

Cookies LOVES the water- LOVES it. We had to watch her very carefully because she wanted to swim so much. She and I sat on the back of the boat, and I held on to her life vest while she slid into the water over, and over, and over again. Time for swim lessons I think. It was nicer when she was a little more afraid of the water- because then I didn't have to hold on to her the whole time. She comes by it naturally- Daddy was a life guard, Mommy was on the swim team, Grandma hydrofoils , and Papa waterskis. I just hope she learns quickly where the boundries are when it comes to the water.

Ultrasound

Wednesday at 2:30. So we will know more in a week- and of course, I promise to update here!

Double Tags

I was tagged by Canape and Ladybugs and Lizards. One was for 7 random facts, the other for 10 things you don't know about me. I don't think I can pull 17 things out of my tuckus, so will 10 random facts you may not know about me be okay?

1. All my "friends" in highschool told me that they would be surprised if I got married before I was 30. Not for any other reason than they thought they would get married first because they were prettier and had more boyfriends.

2. I am terrified at the idea of having multiples. Not because I am afraid I can't handle it- but because I would want to EBF (exclusively breastfeed) both of them, and doing so would never sleep again. Also because my lil Cookies deserves all the attention in the world, and I want to continue to give it to her.

3. The only person I talk to on the phone aside from my husband is my Mom. Everyone else talks to me through IM or text messaging. I think they do it because I sound like minnie mouse on the phone. Along with this fact... I have only met maybe 2 of my friends in real life. The rest of you wonderful people live in the box.

4. I am terribly obnoxious and am surprised people tolerate me. I think stupid things are hilarious, and I say silly things a lot. I think it is half total geek and half insecurity.

5. I used to show dogs full time- traveling almost half the year to shows all over the country. I loved it and hated it. It is hard to live out of a suitcase- but what a thrilling, fulfilling job to have. I miss it, and will never get to do it the same way again.

6. I have to rub my feet together before I can fall asleep.

7. I put sentimental value on everything. Drives Bum insane, because I find a reason to keep everything.

8. My brain melts faster than any other preggo I know. I forget long remembered phone numbers, I forget words, and even how to get to places. Fortunately, I only have these memory slips and have never done anything like leave the water running or not put the car in park.

9. I am addicted to musicals. I can pick up the music faster than most, and I still remember most of the choreography from my highschool show choir.


10. I think too much about what other people think of me- if they are dissapointed, or are judging me, or whatever. I am one of those people who wants to please everyone.


Ok, that is my 10. You all have tagged pretty much every one who would read this blog. If you haven't been tagged yet, I tag you!

OYE!

So I pulled this little April fools joke on my mom's board back before I knew I was pregnant, saying I have to go to the ER because of severe pain, and when they did the US at the ER they saw 2 sacs.

Went to the ER because of severe pain: check

Went to the Dr's for a follow up today and saw 2 sacs: check


The irony- eh?

We saw 1 baby WITH a heartbeat (thank you God), and then we saw a second sac. Couldn't see a baby, and the sac was slightly abnormal- so that may be what caused the bleeding and I am just reabsorbing the sac-- OR baby #2 is just a few days behind the other.

I have an ultrasound again next week to verify the HB, and to see what is going on in sac #2.

I am a bit in shock, and Bum has been strutting his stuff since the appointment. I am just hoping baby with a HB continues to thrive!

It's a good day

There is some BEAUTIFUL news here. I am so excited for her!


I just talked to the Dr... and my levels are rising normally! Thank you God for answering prayers! I have to go weekly for a while, but it will be worth every penny of co-pay. Stick baby! Stick!


These first 14 weeks are more terrifying than the WHOLE rest of the pregnancy. I am praying for all of you getting through it.

If you pray...

Bum, Cookies, and I were at the ER until 3am last night because at 9:30 I thought a cyst/fallopian tube ruptured, then assumed miscarriage (I am RH- so had to go get the Rhogham shot). I had severe pain, so I got up to go to the bathroom and then go sit on the couch to wait and see what happened. As soon as I sat on the couch I had a gush of blood (no tissue, just a lot of bright red blood.) After the gush I had a lot less pain, like pressure was relieved, but then I had another. We decided because of the pain to go to the ER, just in case it was something else. I had another gush in the waiting room (still just blood- no tissue) and then the bleeding stopped.

My cervix was closed, and they saw a sack in my uterus, but no baby- whether it is too soon to see(which is what the dr thinks) or I lost lil one is still a mystery. I have to go in for a follow up HCG tomorrow or Friday- as long as it goes up to 22,000 then things are still moving along, but I will have to be closely monitored for the next several weeks. We have been praying for God's will to be done. I have peace about the situation, but I am still scared.

Geezo Peezo

To all you mommy's who are carrying a lil one in you and have toddlers: GOD BLESS YOU. This is HARD. I want nothing more than to sleep- and that just doesn't get to happen. I am insane and have cut out all caffine as well; it doesn't help the exaustion much!
I POAS yesterday again, because I just had to make sure. This time, the line was DARK and showed up before the other line- which must mean my HCG went up a little... I hope.

I have a Dr's appt tomorrow, they want to monitor my HCG levels for a few weeks. I am praying that all is well. I am more "activley" pregnant this time than last time. Last time, I wasn't terribly tired, never was sick, and pretty much no other symptoms. This time around I am ALREADY pukey, my boobs hurt, I am so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open, amongst other things. While none of these things are sure signs that things are going well, they are reassuring, and allow me to get a little sleep at night.
Speaking of sleep, I got a charlie horse last night in my calf in the middle of the night- it is still lingering and I am very uncomfortable. Do people get leg cramps this early on? I remember it at least being October before the leg cramps attacked last time.

My 2 year old lil extra told me that there are 2 little babies coming soon. She doesn't even know about the baby in my belly yet. I love her- she is so awesome.

SHHHHHHHHHHH..... It's a secret

January 11th... The day after Cookie's due date!

YOUR BABY THIS WEEK

Your baby is two weeks old! He or she is still teeny-tiny, from 0.014 inches to 0.04 inches (1.2 mm)—smaller than a grain of rice.

Your Baby: During this time, the embryo is busy imbedding deeper into your uterus, establishing a strong and healthy bond. The amniotic sac, a protective membrane that surrounds your baby during pregnancy, has also begun to form. As time goes on, the sac will help produce hormones (primarily progesterone) and transmit nutrients from your body to your baby. At this point, three distinct layers of cells are also starting to form: • the ectoderm, which will form the nervous system (including the brain), skin and hair, • the endoderm, which will become the lining of your baby's gastrointestinal tract, plus their liver, pancreas and thyroid glands, • the mesoderm, which will form the skeleton, connective tissue, blood system, urogential system and muscles.


Pray for a sticky, healthy lil monkey!

enough stress for a bloody nose

Bum's Check was $200 short this week. That means we are short $150 for rent. Shit head who backed out on moving in with us. I could kill him right now. Our doggies are out of food. The hospital thinks for some reason that we owe them $300. My pain in the ass daycare family (the one with the little one- not the wonderful 2 year old) has backed out on me for the second week. I am going to ask them for the money anyways- I am not a free care service- and their short notice is killing me. We have bills to pay and mouths to feed. Thank God for my parents. They are lending us money. I am sick sick sick to my stomach and worked up enough that I got a nose bleed.

Why you asked? Because I found all these things out in the last hour. Money sucks.

Must.Not.Test

I am out of dollar store tests. No car today. AND I have vowed not to test until Saturday. AF is due Sunday- wait, no Monday. I think I could wait till then, but I don't think my friends can! I am still exausted, and now have round ligamnet pulls, and still feel like a total nutcase. TOTAL NUTCASE. If it tests negative, and AF visits, I am going to check myself into a mental house. Not because I will be driven insane by not being pregnant, but more because I have had all these symptoms!

Oh guess what! Cookies is 100% sleeping in her crib! Still in our room (which I like- cause I know she is safe), but out of our bed. She enjoys the freedom to flop around, and we enjoy having our bed back.

I went out to lunch the other day with a couple friends. We must have chosen the local highschool hangout, because like clockwork, the moment we sat down they all filed in. I must note that high schoolers are incapable of speaking quitely- you know how we teach our kids to use indoor voices? Ya- they forgot all about that. They also don't dress like kids anymore. Dresses and heels, stick thin and huge boobs. I swear I didn't look like that in highschool- none of my friends did either- and high school wasn't that long ago for me. Kinda made my stomach churn. WHat happened to jeans, t-shirts, and a comfy pair of flip-flops? People wonder why teenagers are so sexually active, and they wonder why teen girls are getting raped (as a victim- I am not excusing this in ANY shape or form- and this does not apply to all circumstances), Everything about these kids screams sex. I feel sorry for the boys to some affect.
I am terrified that my baby will become that. Maybe we will move to Pennsylvania and become Amish. Or maybe we can homeschool. In reality, there is no way I can protect her the way I want to. She will do things I won't know about- and that breaks my heart. I want her to make better choices than I did. I don't want her to EVER feel like a party is a way to make friends. It doesn't work that way. I also hope that she- and all my kids, can make the choice not to smoke like Bum and I did. We both also made the choice to stay away from drugs, and I pray that they will too. I guess the most we can do is live to be an example. Gosh thinking about the future is tough!

I need a vacation... or a drink.

It is still to early to get a positive on a pregnancy test- if there IS a positive. Yet I am ready to kill my husband, so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open, I have heartburn, and all I can smell in my house is garlic. Stupid brain. If it is too early to get a postitive- it is too early to have symptoms- right? Maybe I want it bad enough that I am making the symptoms.
I am going to the OB/GYN next week to have a general checkup- hopefully she will be able to tell me what is broken. If it is cysts again, then they will probably recommend birth control for at least a couple months to get rid of those. This waiting game sucks the big one. Gotta trust that God knows what is up here.

Had to join in

:(

A dear family friend's girlfriend died yesterday. They had been dating for several years and had just started talking about getting married. She died from colon/liver cancer. She was 22. They had only found out April 1st because she went to the ER for chronic nausea. 3 weeks. That is all they had with her. I am in complete shock- and I am going to the doctor to have my problems checked out- because talk about a serious wake up call. Bum was up all night worried about the mortality of us all. Poor guy.

Rhianna

Please if you pray, pray for their family, and for our friend.

Dreams

This is fast become a dream blog...

Last night, I spent most of the night tossing and turning because I couldn't decide what to name the baby boy in my dreams. It was strangely vivid... I even had phantom baby kicks in my sleep. I was due January 5th, but I was 2 weeks overdue. It was January 19th and I was having lunch (not sure where) and suddenly needed to push. I was all alone and had to deliver him myself. I was so sad because I didn't know what to call him. He didn't look like any of the names I love- and I hated all of Bum's choices. On top of that- I only had girl's clothes, so the poor thing had to wear lilac pj's. He was beautiful though... Blonde Hair- it was thinner than Cookie's was when she was born, Shattered glass eyes, still dark blue like most newborns, Bum's nose and my cheeks. I still didn't have a name for him when I woke up.

I remember a lot of my dreams- they are always in color, and most of them stick with me through at least part of the next day. I'm a weirdo- I know.

6 months

This Thursday will mark 6 months since my miscarriage. Time has absolutely flown. That means that we will have been trying to get pregnant again for 4 months. Not an enormous amount of time, but for a girl who is used to running like clockwork, it has been frustrating to have such an erratic cycle.

I have been dreaming lately that Cookies is our only child. If we have any fertility issues, she will be- because we don't have the financial ability to move in other directions. IVF is not- and will probably never be an option. Adoption is definitley an option- but only if we saved for several years. She is a cool enough kid that I would be ok with that in the end. I wouldn't be mad at God, because he gave us her. We would like more kiddos- but whatever God has planned for us, we will take.

Thank you for all of your prayers for Girl and Doogal He is perfect, and beautiful. I can't wait to meet the little monkey. I already love him and he isn't even mine. He and Girl have been a blessing for me these last several months. Knowing he is coming has kept me sane I think. I think if I had lost without anything to look forward to, every month that I started a new cycle would have gotten harder and harder. But I get to meet baby D. He will probably be born right around when I was due. What an amazing blessing he is.

DNA

This is kinda cool... and creepily accurate...

Read my VisualDNA™     Get your own VisualDNA™

My 7

I was tagged by Girl top name the top 7 on my playlist (I am so envious of her nifty music plug in too!)... I have so many more than 7, so it has taken me almost a week to sort through the 10+ thousand songs that make me all tingley these days. I like the way Canape put it "it required me trying to decide if these seven songs were going make me look stupid. Then it required me realizing that the previous statement must mean that I'm still 12."

These are the songs I hit "repeat" on just so I can listen to them a few more times. They are the songs I don't think I will ever get sick of.
My playlist probably won't be as cool as some people's- but it is mine....


Let me begin by saying that it was difficult to choose my favorite from most of these artists- because I can listen to ANYTHING they play and be happy- call me a music junky... might be because in my heart of hearts it is what I always have truly wanted to do.

"The Luckiest" by Ben Folds
Yes, Yes, I know it is on Girl's list too, but I listen to this song every single day. See, it is Bum's and my song. He sat me down right after we got enganged- and said "This is my song to you." I had never heard of Ben Folds or his "Five" before this song- and it made me an instant fan (Zak and Sara helped too). My family didn't get why we danced to this- but I do. My husband's heart is this song, and we are, really, the luckiest.


"The Stone" by Dave Matthews Band
Live at the Woodlands is my favorite version. Probably one of the hardest choices I have had to make... Picking one Dave song to put on this playlist. We have every CD he has ever made. It adds up to almost 750 DMB songs on my playlist. Cookies' first concerts were Dave- while she was still in my belly. It is her favorite to listen to as well. Poor kid- she is gonna be a Dave junky too. I picked the Stone- because I like the heavy beat, and I can listen to it 2 or 3 times before I move on to the next song.


"Home" by Marc Broussard
This man has SOUL. If you haven't listened to him- you need to. He is going to be huge. His voice tears at the pit of my soul. I love this song. It has a driving rhythm- and I love his voice. LOVE IT. He has a new CD out June 26th and I can't wait.


"Look After You" by The Fray
I remember driving down to Golden to watch these guys in battle of the bands in highschool. I am so proud of them!! Bum can't stop listening to them-- and I love the meanings behind each of their songs.


"Baby Mine" by Alison Krauss
Originally from Dumbo. This is Cookies' song. I sing it to her every night before bed. I sang it to her while she had colic and it was the only thing that could calm her down. I cry every time I get to the end of the song. Silly I know, and I should just skip that part- but I can't because it is the most important part.
"From your head down to your toes
You're not much goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Sweet as can be
Baby of mine"
Sniffle. That's my girl.


"Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood
This is my shower song... You know- the song you sing at the top of your lungs when you are all alone in the shower or the car? If I were a recording artist I would have picked this song. It is sassy and fun. I dream of being sassy and fun, so there you have it.


Am I at #7 already? CRAP... I had a plethora of songs that I wanted to share... Maybe I will have to start a "Blogboard Top 20" to pass out to the world. Not today-- but soon! It must happen! Okay- #7...


"I Still Believe" by Jeremy Camp
Great artist. Great voice. Not for everybody- but he makes my heart happy.

Wow... that is all that I get. I am really a lot more eclectic than this list allows- but these are at the top of the playlist these days. To be continued..........

I tag Krisand Lizzie... there aren't more cause Girl took everyone else!

Happy Belated Birthday to myself!

Yesterday was my birthday. It was a very nice day- even though my own husband forgot it was my birthday until about 9 that morning (We get up at 6). He was VERY apologetic and sweet, and what a silly story to have to get on his tush about for the rest of our lives-- HA!

It amazes me how with each birthday- they feel more and more like a usual "day" and less special... Maybe it is me.



On another note- Say a prayer for Girl and her sweet Doogal they have a big day tomorrow. Also, Radish has some big news- lots of prayers for her too!!

Hoppy Easter!

I hope you all have a blessed and wonderful Easter!

Thank you again Girl for your help making this picture all it could be.

My Dearest Husband,

It meant so much to me that you woke up to hold back my hair in the middle of the night. You know I don't like to be touched when I am throwing up, so when you walked in the room and gently scooped up my hair without a word, I was for lack of a better word, touched.
Holding back your retching, and waking from a dead sleep reminds me why I married you- because you have the most wonderful heart in the world- and while you drive me insane- i love you and appreciate you.

Love,
Your pukey Wife.

Cookies

Dang she is cute-- and awfully entertaining. She loves to be outside!!

Gratefuls

Okay, so I had my I wish post, and I already got a mean comment- IT IS A BLOG-- not an insight into my soul. Please be kind. Here are the things I am grateful for.

*MY Husband- he is a wonderful man and is constantly seeking to improve himself
*My daughter- She is the coolest kid I know. She amazes me every day with what she is capable of learning.
*My home- While it is only a rental, it is a roof over our heads- and even though we can hardly afford it, it is a good amount of space.
*My Friends- We are all busy with our families, or they are far away, but we are there for each other- and I appreciate them GREATLY
*My Family - While they are nuts, and they drive me insane at times, we are all close, and they are always there for me.
*Our car- It is a good car. And while we have to share it, it has been good to us and gets us where we need to go safely.
*The food on our Table- I know there are families that don't get to eat every meal, and while we eat the same thing a lot, there is always enough for each of us and we never have to sacrifice a meal
*Our ability to give- We try to always give a little money every month to a charity or a friend in need. We could keep the money and do something fancy or fun- but what good would that do anyone?
*Our Bed and Blankets- They are heavy, warm and soft. Not everyone is blessed with that.
*My Extras- Cookies loves them like sisters, and they show me that I want more children. I love them both dearly.
*My Miscarriage- While it hurts, and I find myself sad when I look at women's bulging bellies and think "that could be me", I can now relate to so many women in a way I could not before. Trying for a baby is HARD, and often sad. I didn't understand that before.
*Sticks to pee on... And the people who are sweet enough to buy them for me- because they are just as hopeful for the next baby as I am, and that warms my heart in ways they don't know.
*Bloggers- You all keep me humble. Thank you for taking the time to type out the wonderful things that you do.
*There are a million more things I am grateful for- and they FAR outweigh the "I wishes".... I would type all day, but I think you would be sick of me by the time I was done- if you aren't already!

I wish

~I wish I could write like I used to. My words used to be intelligent and full of passion.These days I can hardly pulll a sentence out of my hind end.
~I wish I wasn't so sapped of energy all the time
~I wish I could sleep.
~I wish I could stay up long enough to read a few pages of a book. I used to devour them- now I am too tired.
~I wish I had the opportunity to sit down and sew for an hour, without a toddler haning off my leg and a husband calling my name.
~I wish I could eat whatever I wanted and still lose weight. Seems like every one of my siblings can do that- but not me.
~I wish I had the motivation to wake up an hour earlier (5am) and go jogging
~I wish my husband had a friend. I get quite boring at times.
~I wish I didn't feel like an obligation to people.
~I wish we had the money for 2 cars, a house, and good groceries. Cheap hamburger and rice every night is getting old.
~I wish I had the light I once had. I could see the good in everyone. I was open and friendly. Now I feel like a judgemental hermit. I hate it.
~I wish I felt beautiful again.
~I wish we could find a home church. My heart needs it.
~I wish I were brave.
~I wish I had confidence in myself. I used to sing at the top of my lungs- and wanted everyone to hear. Now I only sing for my daughter. I have lost my range and the power I once had in my lungs and voice.


This is my selfish list. It isn't supposed to be depressing, just a list of things I wish I had. I suppose we all have our days where we wish we could step back in time a little.

I was watching Take Home Chef last night. It was the one where he cooks sashmi (YUM) and a hotpot for these 4 girl friends. It is so silly- but I found myself crying when they were all sitting together laughing, hugging each other, etc. These girls WANTED to spend time together. Mind you, they didn't have the obligation (or joy) of children and family, but they were friends... I wouldn't give up anything in my life for the world- but I would love to know how that feels. I never lived alone- not in my whole life. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband. He has traveled the world... and while I have been all over America, I have never seen outside our borders. I have plenty of time to travel, and right now I want to focus on raising the munchkin and our future munchkins. There will be time for travel later.
I guess so often we want the things we cannot have. There are people who look at me and want my life and talents from the outside, and I theirs. I am so happy with what I have, there are just moments I wonder "what if?". I hope that is not ungrateful- just human.

She's right you know...

This brilliant Momma makes another amazing point today.

We don't brag on our kids enough. Do it with pride!!! Love on those babies- take notes of everything- because we forget so quickly all the little things they do.

That is all for now.

I am mad at my uterus today.

It hurts- My ovaries feel like they are constantly going to explode, and I have round ligament pain... it isn't popping out eggs (I am certain of this)--

Maybe it is telling me something...

Simple things

We are moving in June. I hate moving HATE it. We are pack rats, so it seems like every time we move there is just more and more to take. There are several things that I am dreading about the move, and most of them are petty and selfish. We are moving to the south side of town. My friends live on the North side... We are moving in with my grandmother to help take care of her and fix up her house. There will be a loss of independence in doing that. I will be her driver, cook, and entertainment of sorts... I won't get paid, but we don't have to pay rent, or part of the house payment or anything aside from our share of food and utilities.
I am looking forward to these things about the move:
*A back yard. A BIG backyard, and knowing my daughter will have a safe fenced in place to play.
*Along with a yard-- a garden, and places to plant flowers
*A table to eat at, for the kids to color at, and a general place to meet.
*The freedom (of sorts) to paint our room as we like. Gran is looking forward to any renovations we think will improve the house.
*The neighborhood. It is all grown up- big trees, nice houses, nicer people. It looks like something out of the movies. I know that I will be safe if I go outside alone at night, and Cookies will (someday) be able to ride her bike without me worrying if she will come back.
*Being within 5 minutes of a grocery store. Right now we have to drive at least 20 to get anywhere decent.

I am trying to think positive. We have to justify this move to a lot of the family. We are not after her money, her house, her favor or anything. We want Gran to have the best years she can have for the rest of her life. We feel like that is what we can offer as a gift for all her kindness to us.

zzzzzzzzzzzz

I am so tired. I have hardly been able to function the last 3 days I have been so tired. Funny thing is- Cookies is sleeping better these days than she has in a while. I almost fell asleep driving home for taking Bum to work this AM.
I also have been unusually crampy the last few days, yet AF is still 2 weeks away....
I think I am broken, so I am going to ATTEMPT to see a doctor this week, but that will be if I am lucky.

Guilty Conscious

I have a terrible habit of thinking anything negative is in reference to me. I know that is terribly vain to some affect- but I spend most days sick at my stomach about it. Stupid, I know. Bad for me, I know.
All I can think is- "what did I do wrong?" and "If I did something wrong, would you PLEASE just tell me?" I would rather have hurt feelings for a couple hours than live like this. More over- I would rather just know what is going on. Please don't be cold, or avoidant... just tell me- I can take it. Just answer your phone- say it and let it be done.

On another note- I am sick of people dancing around things. Get it out- like it is.

My Grey Matter Hurts

Seriously. http://www.weffriddles.com is a BAD place to go if you don't want to work your grey matter. Mine hurts from all this thinking about these riddles. I know it is good for us stay-at-home mommies to work our heads so they won't rot- but I couldn't SLEEP thinking about these things. Some of them are pieces of cake, while others leave you banging your head against a wall only to find that the answer was also, in fact, a piece of cake. GAH!!!!!!

Back to my puzzles.

Bad Blogger

I realized this morning what a terrible blogger I am. I have been reading other people's blogs, and they are deep, meaningful, or at least insightful. I post short little meaningless blubs- and they are irregular at that. I guess I learned a long time ago that anything I didn't want people to know about I shouldn't put in writing. So I can't talk about it- cause Bum only gets defensive when I am honest about how I feel, and I can't write about it because people might find it. Lonely place to be.
I suppose that is what this whole "password protected" thing is about. I don't think that is offered here... I don't ask for people's passwords because I see it as something similar to sitting on the toilet- I don't need to see everything you do- and if you want me to you will ask me into the room.

The last couple days have been good, but sad for me. I can't really explain WHY, but sad. I really want to get some things done and taken care of that have been out of my control, I wish I could do something about it- but I can't. I need to hit the gym- Bum thinks we are both fat- and I can't help but agree at least on my end-- I could use to lose 20lbs before I get pregnant again. I have severe writers block, and can't motivate to do much- not even sew. Oh well, all part of the dance I suppose.

Ignore this post.

I am irritated. I have been patient. Maybe I will just do it myself- cause it is never gonna get done if I keep asking you. Joys of a relationship.

Yeah to me!

I cleaned my living room!! You can see the floor- victory of the day!!!

Pictures!!

Cookies and her friend at the zoo, and Bum with Cookies....

Another hump in the roller coaster

So the evil Aunt came and stayed a few days... Like I said before, I have peace about this whole thing. AF still sucks though.

Bum's job is a little rocky at the moment- don't you love that feeling of wondering if your DH will have a job at the end of the day? It truly is day to day right now. Somedays he wants to just throw in the towel, and some days he feels like he can stick it out ... Far from easy on either of us. He is so wiped emotionally at the end of the day that he can hardly muster a hug- let alone any other form of affection. It is very lonely with him hiding in his computer and school work.

One of my closest friends is having a hard time too- How do I help? What can I say? I feel like... maybe there is nothing, maybe i simply just need to be there. I'm here my friend...

I am a fixer- so this feeling helpless kills me - not that my life is a ray of sunshine, but I hate seeing anyone I care about in a funk.

Simple Pleasures

Like peeing on a stick... What fun it is! Seriously- I enjoy it- regardless of the outcome.
I took another test yesterday, after much cramping and no AF... I am now 2 days late, no AF and still a - in the little line box. Funny thing is- I am okay with it- not that pretend "lets put on a happy face" okay, but really, truly okay. I have come to the understanding that God has a plan for us, and that the timing will be perfect for what our family needs. Trying is just too hard on our relationship- Bum is boring when he feels pressured into the bedroom and depressed when we test with a -. Not to say I won't chart anymore... OR poas... cause lord knows I enjoy it emensly- but I am not going to tell Bum about it anymore.

Oh... and making candy duckies for babies showers... THAT is a simple pleasure... LOL

Ketchup is baby crack

Cookies LOVES Ketchup. LOVES it- she prefers it over cheese almost. Have I mentioned she is awesome? Aside from her temper tantrums she is darn near the coolest kid I know. Part of that is mommy-vision, but I love her, and she is impossible to resist. Thanks again to Girl for capturing a wonderful moment in Cookie's life.

Random thoughts

1) Bleeding Gums suck. Flossing causes this, therefore, flossing sucks.
2) Heartburn also sucks. Especially when the stuff that is supposed to help doesn't.
3) I would love to go to bed. Right now. Sleep is a glorious thing, and at the moment I miss it VERY much.
4) I love the smell of chocolate cake baking. I can't really eat it- but it sure smells AMAZING
5) Congestion is of the Devil- especially when it won't go away!
6) Did I mention that I am tired? And Crampy.... YUCK!

My last adventure...

In case you didn't know, we are trying for #2- rather actively at the moment... In fact, the last couple of days have gotten me hoping that just MAYBE this is the month. I am trying not to get my hopes up though- because I don't want to think I am then have ANOTHER negative on the pee stick.
Anyhow, Bum's friend asked us to go out tonight- I wasn't entirely thrilled with splurging booku bucks on a meal out, but as soon as he mention sushi and to bring a friend I wasn't going to complain! Like I said before, I am a sushi addict, and knowing full well that I could pee on a stick next week and see a plus sign, I wanted to get this last hoorah in before baby could have issues with what I ate.
My friend couldn't make it- it was her hubby's night out, and aside from that she has been ill and is also preggo, so the idea of raw fish is probably somewhere between yum and vomit... We missed her company, but maybe next time!!

My cousin is a waiter at the place we chose, so we get a lot of freebies when we go. Cookies adores the bowl of tofu she gets free of charge, and we enjoy our free edemame and soup. The fish was amazing. My conscious got the better of me and I only ate two pieces of raw and then had some cooked stuff- but what I had was fantastic. To top it all off.... Bum's friend paid!!!

I will miss you sushi! See you in __ months!!!

Bum

Isn't he cute?

Open Mouth- insert foot!

I need to learn to read... REALLY. I said I agreed with something without reading it completely. In reality.... It was bossy and not something I would ever agree with. I am afraid I hurt my friends feelings in the process and now I feel downright shitty. Sowwy friend. You know what you are doing- and you do it better than most.

Off to my corner.

Does this my my butt look big?

Well paint my toenails and call me Sally-

I've been TAGGED!

Thanks Fertile Mertile now I have to use my brain!


Five (slightly odd) facts about me:

1. I am a sushi addict. I could eat it for every meal, every day. I'm not talking California rolls either- I mean the raw stuff... SOO good!

2. I hate worms- HATE. I won't touch them even with gloves on. I took a "zero" in a science class once because they were disecting worms. Sorry- can't do it.

3. I would rather have a messy house and happy kids than all the praise in the world for a pretty house.

4. I can't fall asleep at night unless I rub my feet together for a few minutes. One whole side of my family does it.

5. Aside from my husband, I have met all of my friends online- and they have been better friends to me than anyone I have met outside the internet.



Ok... I Tag Kris, Molly, and Jess

Top of the List

Blame it on a sad day- but I am downright pouty.
I wanna be on the top of someone's list- the person they call to talk to when they are bored, sad, happy, excited, whatever... Instead..... I have to find out with the crowd. I feel second rate. Ouch.

Purpose

A Dog's Purpose - from a 4 year old

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year old
Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and
their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker and they were
hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family
we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia
procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would
be good for the four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt
as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's
family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the
last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on.
Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to
accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion.

We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad
fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next
stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good
life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The
four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so
they don't have to stay as long."

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Blah

I have felt less than inspired to do, well, anything these last couple weeks. I miss sewing; but dearest Cookies has a cold and has found the need to be glued to me at all times. I don't mind wearing her again, but you can't do much with a 24lb baby strapped to your chest, and Bum has been less than helpful in this whole situation. Housework? FORGET IT. I am so behind on laundry and the place is an absolute pit. I feel bad for the Extra's mommies because they have to see this place every day. I just haven't been up to it.
I can't blame depression... Just chalk it up to feeling lazy I guess- at least as lazy as a mommy is allowed to be. The house still needs to function,food to be made, dishes need to be done, Bum needs clothes for work, and Cookies needs a playmate. All you mommies know the infinite list of other little things that have to happen every day to make things "GO".

I need a nap.

Where have you been?

create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide


Thanks for the link Gail!