I wish

~I wish I could write like I used to. My words used to be intelligent and full of passion.These days I can hardly pulll a sentence out of my hind end.
~I wish I wasn't so sapped of energy all the time
~I wish I could sleep.
~I wish I could stay up long enough to read a few pages of a book. I used to devour them- now I am too tired.
~I wish I had the opportunity to sit down and sew for an hour, without a toddler haning off my leg and a husband calling my name.
~I wish I could eat whatever I wanted and still lose weight. Seems like every one of my siblings can do that- but not me.
~I wish I had the motivation to wake up an hour earlier (5am) and go jogging
~I wish my husband had a friend. I get quite boring at times.
~I wish I didn't feel like an obligation to people.
~I wish we had the money for 2 cars, a house, and good groceries. Cheap hamburger and rice every night is getting old.
~I wish I had the light I once had. I could see the good in everyone. I was open and friendly. Now I feel like a judgemental hermit. I hate it.
~I wish I felt beautiful again.
~I wish we could find a home church. My heart needs it.
~I wish I were brave.
~I wish I had confidence in myself. I used to sing at the top of my lungs- and wanted everyone to hear. Now I only sing for my daughter. I have lost my range and the power I once had in my lungs and voice.


This is my selfish list. It isn't supposed to be depressing, just a list of things I wish I had. I suppose we all have our days where we wish we could step back in time a little.

I was watching Take Home Chef last night. It was the one where he cooks sashmi (YUM) and a hotpot for these 4 girl friends. It is so silly- but I found myself crying when they were all sitting together laughing, hugging each other, etc. These girls WANTED to spend time together. Mind you, they didn't have the obligation (or joy) of children and family, but they were friends... I wouldn't give up anything in my life for the world- but I would love to know how that feels. I never lived alone- not in my whole life. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband. He has traveled the world... and while I have been all over America, I have never seen outside our borders. I have plenty of time to travel, and right now I want to focus on raising the munchkin and our future munchkins. There will be time for travel later.
I guess so often we want the things we cannot have. There are people who look at me and want my life and talents from the outside, and I theirs. I am so happy with what I have, there are just moments I wonder "what if?". I hope that is not ungrateful- just human.