Thursday, February 28, 2008
Something clicked
And beyond tolerating him, she loves him. He loves her. I hope they can maintain that.
Trusting
I'm reading a book called "Captivating"-- I love it. It talks a lot about the wounds that we receive as little girls, and the process of healing from them. It also talks a lot about your relationship with God; something I have struggled a lot with lately.
For me, it's not an issue of faith or believing, but trusting. It is hard to hear "Have patience, it will work out, just trust Me", when praying for things to get better. Maybe I am childish. I want some kind of reassurance that it isn't going to be 20 years of waiting.
Maybe I am not making a large enough effort to be closer to Him. Maybe I am just plain scared to entrust my everything to him. I try to- but I feel like some part of me is grasping at straws for complete control of my life. I should know better. Things go to hades in a hand basket when I try to do it myself. Things fall apart. I can't do it myself- I know that.
Bum and I have been discussing moving. I don't want to move. My parents are here- and we are really close. They are our friends. We spend entire weekends at their house because we enjoy their company. I can't imagine living away from them- from my mom. She and I talk daily and try to see each other every week. The thought of being away from her makes my stomach do somersaults. I don't have many friends- but the ones I have I love dearly, and moving to a place and having to start over-- for me is terrifying. I'm not so good at the social game. I say stupid things and do stupid things. I am simple- not fancy. I don't do the super dressed up mom thing. But what if moving away is the only way we will ever have it better? You can't live off of 40k a year with a family and 50k in school, medical, and auto debt. You just can't.
I know that my friends and family will be there regardless of where we live. I have friends that are more miles away than I can imagine, and we make it work. I know we would find a way to see my family as often as possible... But I'm scared.
So I'm trying to trust. Trust that there is a plan for us- he's never not taken care of us. I'm trying to trust His will. I don't really want to- but I'm trying. I have to figure out a way to prepare my heart to leave if we are called to. I don't know what it will take, but again, I am trying to trust that He is working on me. I'm not the most willing person in the world, but I am trying.
For me, it's not an issue of faith or believing, but trusting. It is hard to hear "Have patience, it will work out, just trust Me", when praying for things to get better. Maybe I am childish. I want some kind of reassurance that it isn't going to be 20 years of waiting.
Maybe I am not making a large enough effort to be closer to Him. Maybe I am just plain scared to entrust my everything to him. I try to- but I feel like some part of me is grasping at straws for complete control of my life. I should know better. Things go to hades in a hand basket when I try to do it myself. Things fall apart. I can't do it myself- I know that.
Bum and I have been discussing moving. I don't want to move. My parents are here- and we are really close. They are our friends. We spend entire weekends at their house because we enjoy their company. I can't imagine living away from them- from my mom. She and I talk daily and try to see each other every week. The thought of being away from her makes my stomach do somersaults. I don't have many friends- but the ones I have I love dearly, and moving to a place and having to start over-- for me is terrifying. I'm not so good at the social game. I say stupid things and do stupid things. I am simple- not fancy. I don't do the super dressed up mom thing. But what if moving away is the only way we will ever have it better? You can't live off of 40k a year with a family and 50k in school, medical, and auto debt. You just can't.
I know that my friends and family will be there regardless of where we live. I have friends that are more miles away than I can imagine, and we make it work. I know we would find a way to see my family as often as possible... But I'm scared.
So I'm trying to trust. Trust that there is a plan for us- he's never not taken care of us. I'm trying to trust His will. I don't really want to- but I'm trying. I have to figure out a way to prepare my heart to leave if we are called to. I don't know what it will take, but again, I am trying to trust that He is working on me. I'm not the most willing person in the world, but I am trying.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Make up and prettiness
I'm not one of those people who wears a lot of makeup- and what I do wear I don't wear often- but I am totally sold on Avon products.
My buddy Tara is trying to get her business rolling- and she is an AWESOME representative. Check out Avon. I stand by their product- big time.
http://www.yourAVON.com/tdargan
My buddy Tara is trying to get her business rolling- and she is an AWESOME representative. Check out Avon. I stand by their product- big time.
http://www.yourAVON.com/tdargan
Saturday, February 23, 2008
My poor Bum
No, I'm not talking my tush.
Bum is depressed. He feels like he has nothing here. He doesn't have friends- none. Seems like anyone he tries to befriend either thinks he is a nerd or they screw him over. More than people screw me over- it is bad. So he has me, Cookies, and Bubbles. While that is all well and good- he needs someone aside from me.
His co-workers and bosses treat him like shit. He busts his ass- and they see none of it. But they gave him money for school- so he is stuck there for 3 more years unless we want to pay it back. He doesn't get paid enough. Not even close. He is so smart, and works so hard. His customers ADORE him- but his bosses shit on him.
He is doing his masters. Something he always wanted to do, but didn't get to since we had Cookies. Now we worry that we will have paid tens of thousands of dollars for something that will never pay itself back. The school work takes him away from us 6 out of the 7 days of the week. Let me tell you how much I love that. Not only because he is my best friend, and I very much enjoy his company, but because I don't particularly enjoy being a single parent.
The guy is juggling working out (the only thing he has for himself), work, school, and a family. On top of that he is lonely. His family is all far away- and as much as they drive us crazy, I can't imagine having to live far away from my parents- it has to be hard on him. To have no friends and family gone, to have to juggle so much, by choice or not, takes a toll.
I am at loss. I wish I could hand deliver friends, that we could afford to visit his family more than once a year, and that he made what he deserves. God wants us here now- he made it plainly obvious by pigeon holing us in this house. I just don't know why he needs to have this season in his life. Is it a God thing? I wonder sometimes. The people in a small group we tried out dropped us like we were nothing, and really no one talks to us at church, despite our efforts. I don't think we smell funny... and we are nice people. If you are our friend, we take care of you. Bum is a good friend to the people that choose to be around him. He needs someone to be that back to him. I don't know what I can do to help. It hurts me to have him hurt- and even more to know there is NOTHING I can do about it. I guess all I can do is be here for him and ggive it up to God- but man is it hard sometimes.
Bum is depressed. He feels like he has nothing here. He doesn't have friends- none. Seems like anyone he tries to befriend either thinks he is a nerd or they screw him over. More than people screw me over- it is bad. So he has me, Cookies, and Bubbles. While that is all well and good- he needs someone aside from me.
His co-workers and bosses treat him like shit. He busts his ass- and they see none of it. But they gave him money for school- so he is stuck there for 3 more years unless we want to pay it back. He doesn't get paid enough. Not even close. He is so smart, and works so hard. His customers ADORE him- but his bosses shit on him.
He is doing his masters. Something he always wanted to do, but didn't get to since we had Cookies. Now we worry that we will have paid tens of thousands of dollars for something that will never pay itself back. The school work takes him away from us 6 out of the 7 days of the week. Let me tell you how much I love that. Not only because he is my best friend, and I very much enjoy his company, but because I don't particularly enjoy being a single parent.
The guy is juggling working out (the only thing he has for himself), work, school, and a family. On top of that he is lonely. His family is all far away- and as much as they drive us crazy, I can't imagine having to live far away from my parents- it has to be hard on him. To have no friends and family gone, to have to juggle so much, by choice or not, takes a toll.
I am at loss. I wish I could hand deliver friends, that we could afford to visit his family more than once a year, and that he made what he deserves. God wants us here now- he made it plainly obvious by pigeon holing us in this house. I just don't know why he needs to have this season in his life. Is it a God thing? I wonder sometimes. The people in a small group we tried out dropped us like we were nothing, and really no one talks to us at church, despite our efforts. I don't think we smell funny... and we are nice people. If you are our friend, we take care of you. Bum is a good friend to the people that choose to be around him. He needs someone to be that back to him. I don't know what I can do to help. It hurts me to have him hurt- and even more to know there is NOTHING I can do about it. I guess all I can do is be here for him and ggive it up to God- but man is it hard sometimes.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Just a little something
To brighten up your day! I finally caught a few! Check out the chins for days.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Can you FEEL the love?
Cookies wasn't loving the camera- or holding her brother on Valentines day. Turkey.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
How time flies
Yesterday Bubbles turned 1 month. How had a month passed so quickly? We had no luck in finding a birthday hat yesterday, so today I try to hunt one down. Girl has inspired me to mark each month with a hat and a photo.
Looking back at the past month has gotten me thinking a lot about my first month with Cookies. I thought I would know everything about being a mom when I was pregnant with her. I was a full time nanny for years- how hard could it be right? Boy was I in for a reality check. While some things came naturally, others took a lot of practice.
I remember the first night home from the hospital with her. I hadn't slept in days- the beds at the hospital are so hard to sleep in- plus with the nurse checks and the visitors during the day I think I got 4 hours in 3 days. Then we came home. She was up all night because she was hungry. SHe wanted to suck on something, so instead of using a paci, I let her nurse. I sat in a chair and let her nurse all night long. At that point I started to lose it a bit. I hated Bum for sleeping. At one point during that long night, I remember him waking up and me telling him "I can't do this- I'm not meant to be a mom- can we take her back to the hospital?" he said "You;re already doing it", flopped back down and was snoring withing seconds. I thought right then and there that I would leave him. I cried to my mom the next day that I regretted having a baby. It makes me cry to read those words. I was REALLY out of my mind at that point. I loved her so much at that point already- but because I hadn't had a taste of sleep in any form, I thought that was how it was going to be every night. I had anxiety attacks before bed for the next several nights. I was scared to death that she would die if I fell asleep (another story for another post. My mom, thank God for her, came to stay with us the next few nights and forced me to get some sleep. Sleep really does make the difference between crazy and not. Amazing thing sleep. It allows us to be rational. Cookies wasn't a very good sleeper from the start- she had 1 hour nursing sessions several times a night- but as long as we got 4 hours and a nap I was good to go.
At 2 weeks old she started crying in the evening. Several hours would go by where she was inconsolable. She would just scream and flail her arms- pulling at her tiny tummy. For 9 weeks this continued every night. From 5-8:30, she would scream. I would hold her, rock her and kiss her. Most nights I would cry with her. There is no worse feeling in the world than to see your child in pain and know there is nothing you can do for it. Makes you feel unfit to be their mom. Bath time and a few minutes in the swing were our only breaks at night. I wish I had had my Moby then. I think it would have helped. Colic was hardest on Bum. For those weeks- he only saw her in tears. I think he thought that was how she always was, and it took a tole on him bonding with her. You'd never know it now though. She is truly his sunshine. We made it through the colic with her, and I assumed we would have to do it with all of our kiddos. Tough start-- but we got an AWESOME little girl out of it.
One of my biggest fears when Bubbles came was how Cookies would tolerate those weeks of tears. What if she hated him for it? But the crying never came. I feel blessed for that. This first month with him has been so different than the first month with her. I don't panic if we have a night up. He has only had a few of those though. He is a better sleeper for the most part. While very awake and alert, he is much more laid back. I have a feeling that a lot of that is that I am more laid back this time. I know what his cries mean, and therefore can cater to them faster. He likes to be held constantly- and for me- that is okay. The more snuggles the better. He loves his sister- and she loves him. In fact, as a marker of his first month, Cookies got a special gift- one that I will remember forever. She got Bubbles' first smile. She was a month old when I got hers. It is a very special way to sum up a very special month.
Looking back at the past month has gotten me thinking a lot about my first month with Cookies. I thought I would know everything about being a mom when I was pregnant with her. I was a full time nanny for years- how hard could it be right? Boy was I in for a reality check. While some things came naturally, others took a lot of practice.
I remember the first night home from the hospital with her. I hadn't slept in days- the beds at the hospital are so hard to sleep in- plus with the nurse checks and the visitors during the day I think I got 4 hours in 3 days. Then we came home. She was up all night because she was hungry. SHe wanted to suck on something, so instead of using a paci, I let her nurse. I sat in a chair and let her nurse all night long. At that point I started to lose it a bit. I hated Bum for sleeping. At one point during that long night, I remember him waking up and me telling him "I can't do this- I'm not meant to be a mom- can we take her back to the hospital?" he said "You;re already doing it", flopped back down and was snoring withing seconds. I thought right then and there that I would leave him. I cried to my mom the next day that I regretted having a baby. It makes me cry to read those words. I was REALLY out of my mind at that point. I loved her so much at that point already- but because I hadn't had a taste of sleep in any form, I thought that was how it was going to be every night. I had anxiety attacks before bed for the next several nights. I was scared to death that she would die if I fell asleep (another story for another post. My mom, thank God for her, came to stay with us the next few nights and forced me to get some sleep. Sleep really does make the difference between crazy and not. Amazing thing sleep. It allows us to be rational. Cookies wasn't a very good sleeper from the start- she had 1 hour nursing sessions several times a night- but as long as we got 4 hours and a nap I was good to go.
At 2 weeks old she started crying in the evening. Several hours would go by where she was inconsolable. She would just scream and flail her arms- pulling at her tiny tummy. For 9 weeks this continued every night. From 5-8:30, she would scream. I would hold her, rock her and kiss her. Most nights I would cry with her. There is no worse feeling in the world than to see your child in pain and know there is nothing you can do for it. Makes you feel unfit to be their mom. Bath time and a few minutes in the swing were our only breaks at night. I wish I had had my Moby then. I think it would have helped. Colic was hardest on Bum. For those weeks- he only saw her in tears. I think he thought that was how she always was, and it took a tole on him bonding with her. You'd never know it now though. She is truly his sunshine. We made it through the colic with her, and I assumed we would have to do it with all of our kiddos. Tough start-- but we got an AWESOME little girl out of it.
One of my biggest fears when Bubbles came was how Cookies would tolerate those weeks of tears. What if she hated him for it? But the crying never came. I feel blessed for that. This first month with him has been so different than the first month with her. I don't panic if we have a night up. He has only had a few of those though. He is a better sleeper for the most part. While very awake and alert, he is much more laid back. I have a feeling that a lot of that is that I am more laid back this time. I know what his cries mean, and therefore can cater to them faster. He likes to be held constantly- and for me- that is okay. The more snuggles the better. He loves his sister- and she loves him. In fact, as a marker of his first month, Cookies got a special gift- one that I will remember forever. She got Bubbles' first smile. She was a month old when I got hers. It is a very special way to sum up a very special month.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Thinking
I get so wrapped up in the negativity in my mind sometimes. I trash myself quite well- both in the way I look and the things I do. If I ever feel accomplished in anything I make sure to tear that good feeling down quickly. Not sure why I do it- maybe I am trying to stay humble, but I think that is the wrong way to do it.
So today I'm trying to figure out how to stay humble while building myself up at the same time. We are given gifts for a reason- to embrace them. I don't think we are glorifying the One who gave them to us by beating ourselves to death. I want it to be perfect ever time- but I'll never achieve perfect. It doesn't mean what I do do is crap- and that is hard for me to remember.
I am hopeful that when I can look in the mirror and find some affection for the person I see that some of my creativity will come back. I feel like it has been sucked out of me. I never used to have to look to others for ideas, it came from within. Now I feel like it is missing- and all I can do is stare at other's work with envy. Not the way things should work.
Maybe sleep will help- maybe spring. I just feel sapped- not really sad. I find so much inspiration in my kids, I just need it to be lit on fire again.
So today I'm trying to figure out how to stay humble while building myself up at the same time. We are given gifts for a reason- to embrace them. I don't think we are glorifying the One who gave them to us by beating ourselves to death. I want it to be perfect ever time- but I'll never achieve perfect. It doesn't mean what I do do is crap- and that is hard for me to remember.
I am hopeful that when I can look in the mirror and find some affection for the person I see that some of my creativity will come back. I feel like it has been sucked out of me. I never used to have to look to others for ideas, it came from within. Now I feel like it is missing- and all I can do is stare at other's work with envy. Not the way things should work.
Maybe sleep will help- maybe spring. I just feel sapped- not really sad. I find so much inspiration in my kids, I just need it to be lit on fire again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)