How time flies

Yesterday Bubbles turned 1 month. How had a month passed so quickly? We had no luck in finding a birthday hat yesterday, so today I try to hunt one down. Girl has inspired me to mark each month with a hat and a photo.

Looking back at the past month has gotten me thinking a lot about my first month with Cookies. I thought I would know everything about being a mom when I was pregnant with her. I was a full time nanny for years- how hard could it be right? Boy was I in for a reality check. While some things came naturally, others took a lot of practice.

I remember the first night home from the hospital with her. I hadn't slept in days- the beds at the hospital are so hard to sleep in- plus with the nurse checks and the visitors during the day I think I got 4 hours in 3 days. Then we came home. She was up all night because she was hungry. SHe wanted to suck on something, so instead of using a paci, I let her nurse. I sat in a chair and let her nurse all night long. At that point I started to lose it a bit. I hated Bum for sleeping. At one point during that long night, I remember him waking up and me telling him "I can't do this- I'm not meant to be a mom- can we take her back to the hospital?" he said "You;re already doing it", flopped back down and was snoring withing seconds. I thought right then and there that I would leave him. I cried to my mom the next day that I regretted having a baby. It makes me cry to read those words. I was REALLY out of my mind at that point. I loved her so much at that point already- but because I hadn't had a taste of sleep in any form, I thought that was how it was going to be every night. I had anxiety attacks before bed for the next several nights. I was scared to death that she would die if I fell asleep (another story for another post. My mom, thank God for her, came to stay with us the next few nights and forced me to get some sleep. Sleep really does make the difference between crazy and not. Amazing thing sleep. It allows us to be rational. Cookies wasn't a very good sleeper from the start- she had 1 hour nursing sessions several times a night- but as long as we got 4 hours and a nap I was good to go.

At 2 weeks old she started crying in the evening. Several hours would go by where she was inconsolable. She would just scream and flail her arms- pulling at her tiny tummy. For 9 weeks this continued every night. From 5-8:30, she would scream. I would hold her, rock her and kiss her. Most nights I would cry with her. There is no worse feeling in the world than to see your child in pain and know there is nothing you can do for it. Makes you feel unfit to be their mom. Bath time and a few minutes in the swing were our only breaks at night. I wish I had had my Moby then. I think it would have helped. Colic was hardest on Bum. For those weeks- he only saw her in tears. I think he thought that was how she always was, and it took a tole on him bonding with her. You'd never know it now though. She is truly his sunshine. We made it through the colic with her, and I assumed we would have to do it with all of our kiddos. Tough start-- but we got an AWESOME little girl out of it.

One of my biggest fears when Bubbles came was how Cookies would tolerate those weeks of tears. What if she hated him for it? But the crying never came. I feel blessed for that. This first month with him has been so different than the first month with her. I don't panic if we have a night up. He has only had a few of those though. He is a better sleeper for the most part. While very awake and alert, he is much more laid back. I have a feeling that a lot of that is that I am more laid back this time. I know what his cries mean, and therefore can cater to them faster. He likes to be held constantly- and for me- that is okay. The more snuggles the better. He loves his sister- and she loves him. In fact, as a marker of his first month, Cookies got a special gift- one that I will remember forever. She got Bubbles' first smile. She was a month old when I got hers. It is a very special way to sum up a very special month.