You know who you are. Almost got done with mine- read yours and realized they are an awful lot alike.
I feel Broken. Not physically- but spiritually and mentally. God does the spiritual one to me on occasion, because I get out of check on things- and more often than not this feeling starts with me begging for help. He always does- but it sure doesn't feel good while it is happening. You would think that it would be all warm fuzzies, but that isn't the way things work. You can't change without breaking away some of the chipped pieces and replacing them with fresh ones.
I have a home church- but it is too far away to go to anymore. I was fed spiritually, I was active in the church, and Cookies LOVED the children's ministry. I have always felt like my relationship to God is just that-- MINE- and I didn't need church to have that- but the last few days I have had this overwhelming drive to find a church. It is almost like spiders under my skin over it. No reason why, just is.
Maybe the mental stuff is what is driving me. I see myself on a fast track to depression lately. I usually slip a little in the spring, but this year it seems like the fall is pulling at me. Blame pregnancy, blame my current living situation, blame whatever. The end result is me feeling completely worthless. I feel like I use the people I care about. If I don't do it 100% myself, I feel like I am using someone. I just hope it is in my head and not reality. I asked Bum to tell me if I was using him- maybe I should do the same for the others. I feel like I am never going to be good enough for anything. I am so tired all of the time- but I can't sleep. My mind is riddled with guilt, lists, and things I keep telling myself I will never be. Self abuse is a vicious thing. Sad thing is- we self abusers seem to group together. We try to lift each other up, give comfort (I am a notorious "fixer")- but the other can't hear it, because their own voice of abuse is too loud to hear the good words- the truth.
What makes us like this? What happened to the outgoing, friendly, social girl that wasn't scared of anything? I feel like I stepped into the looking glass. I am shy, awkward, and I don't do well in social situations. I always put my foot in my mouth, and make an ass of myself. I do it with my friends too- but they are kind enough not to rub it in my face.
And now I need to stop for now because I am babbling.
2 comments:
I read a devotional one time that said broken jars are better at spreading light than whole ones. You see, when a jar is broken, the pieces reflect the light in such a beautiful way.
I hope that you can find a new home church where you are fed and used by God.
I pray that the fall gets better for you.
You are a strong woman and a great mother and friend. No one can do it all alone.
The outgoing, fun you is probably hiding wherever the outgoing, fun me is hiding, because I haven't seen her in a while, either. We need to figure out how to get them back. (((HUGS))) to you. If you ever want to talk, I'm here.
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