This is fast become a dream blog...
Last night, I spent most of the night tossing and turning because I couldn't decide what to name the baby boy in my dreams. It was strangely vivid... I even had phantom baby kicks in my sleep. I was due January 5th, but I was 2 weeks overdue. It was January 19th and I was having lunch (not sure where) and suddenly needed to push. I was all alone and had to deliver him myself. I was so sad because I didn't know what to call him. He didn't look like any of the names I love- and I hated all of Bum's choices. On top of that- I only had girl's clothes, so the poor thing had to wear lilac pj's. He was beautiful though... Blonde Hair- it was thinner than Cookie's was when she was born, Shattered glass eyes, still dark blue like most newborns, Bum's nose and my cheeks. I still didn't have a name for him when I woke up.
I remember a lot of my dreams- they are always in color, and most of them stick with me through at least part of the next day. I'm a weirdo- I know.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
6 months
This Thursday will mark 6 months since my miscarriage. Time has absolutely flown. That means that we will have been trying to get pregnant again for 4 months. Not an enormous amount of time, but for a girl who is used to running like clockwork, it has been frustrating to have such an erratic cycle.
I have been dreaming lately that Cookies is our only child. If we have any fertility issues, she will be- because we don't have the financial ability to move in other directions. IVF is not- and will probably never be an option. Adoption is definitley an option- but only if we saved for several years. She is a cool enough kid that I would be ok with that in the end. I wouldn't be mad at God, because he gave us her. We would like more kiddos- but whatever God has planned for us, we will take.
Thank you for all of your prayers for Girl and Doogal He is perfect, and beautiful. I can't wait to meet the little monkey. I already love him and he isn't even mine. He and Girl have been a blessing for me these last several months. Knowing he is coming has kept me sane I think. I think if I had lost without anything to look forward to, every month that I started a new cycle would have gotten harder and harder. But I get to meet baby D. He will probably be born right around when I was due. What an amazing blessing he is.
I have been dreaming lately that Cookies is our only child. If we have any fertility issues, she will be- because we don't have the financial ability to move in other directions. IVF is not- and will probably never be an option. Adoption is definitley an option- but only if we saved for several years. She is a cool enough kid that I would be ok with that in the end. I wouldn't be mad at God, because he gave us her. We would like more kiddos- but whatever God has planned for us, we will take.
Thank you for all of your prayers for Girl and Doogal He is perfect, and beautiful. I can't wait to meet the little monkey. I already love him and he isn't even mine. He and Girl have been a blessing for me these last several months. Knowing he is coming has kept me sane I think. I think if I had lost without anything to look forward to, every month that I started a new cycle would have gotten harder and harder. But I get to meet baby D. He will probably be born right around when I was due. What an amazing blessing he is.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Thursday, April 12, 2007
My 7
I was tagged by Girl top name the top 7 on my playlist (I am so envious of her nifty music plug in too!)... I have so many more than 7, so it has taken me almost a week to sort through the 10+ thousand songs that make me all tingley these days. I like the way Canape put it "it required me trying to decide if these seven songs were going make me look stupid. Then it required me realizing that the previous statement must mean that I'm still 12."
These are the songs I hit "repeat" on just so I can listen to them a few more times. They are the songs I don't think I will ever get sick of.
My playlist probably won't be as cool as some people's- but it is mine....
Let me begin by saying that it was difficult to choose my favorite from most of these artists- because I can listen to ANYTHING they play and be happy- call me a music junky... might be because in my heart of hearts it is what I always have truly wanted to do.
"The Luckiest" by Ben Folds
Yes, Yes, I know it is on Girl's list too, but I listen to this song every single day. See, it is Bum's and my song. He sat me down right after we got enganged- and said "This is my song to you." I had never heard of Ben Folds or his "Five" before this song- and it made me an instant fan (Zak and Sara helped too). My family didn't get why we danced to this- but I do. My husband's heart is this song, and we are, really, the luckiest.
"The Stone" by Dave Matthews Band
Live at the Woodlands is my favorite version. Probably one of the hardest choices I have had to make... Picking one Dave song to put on this playlist. We have every CD he has ever made. It adds up to almost 750 DMB songs on my playlist. Cookies' first concerts were Dave- while she was still in my belly. It is her favorite to listen to as well. Poor kid- she is gonna be a Dave junky too. I picked the Stone- because I like the heavy beat, and I can listen to it 2 or 3 times before I move on to the next song.
"Home" by Marc Broussard
This man has SOUL. If you haven't listened to him- you need to. He is going to be huge. His voice tears at the pit of my soul. I love this song. It has a driving rhythm- and I love his voice. LOVE IT. He has a new CD out June 26th and I can't wait.
"Look After You" by The Fray
I remember driving down to Golden to watch these guys in battle of the bands in highschool. I am so proud of them!! Bum can't stop listening to them-- and I love the meanings behind each of their songs.
"Baby Mine" by Alison Krauss
Originally from Dumbo. This is Cookies' song. I sing it to her every night before bed. I sang it to her while she had colic and it was the only thing that could calm her down. I cry every time I get to the end of the song. Silly I know, and I should just skip that part- but I can't because it is the most important part.
"From your head down to your toes
You're not much goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Sweet as can be
Baby of mine"
Sniffle. That's my girl.
"Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood
This is my shower song... You know- the song you sing at the top of your lungs when you are all alone in the shower or the car? If I were a recording artist I would have picked this song. It is sassy and fun. I dream of being sassy and fun, so there you have it.
Am I at #7 already? CRAP... I had a plethora of songs that I wanted to share... Maybe I will have to start a "Blogboard Top 20" to pass out to the world. Not today-- but soon! It must happen! Okay- #7...
"I Still Believe" by Jeremy Camp
Great artist. Great voice. Not for everybody- but he makes my heart happy.
Wow... that is all that I get. I am really a lot more eclectic than this list allows- but these are at the top of the playlist these days. To be continued..........
I tag Krisand Lizzie... there aren't more cause Girl took everyone else!
These are the songs I hit "repeat" on just so I can listen to them a few more times. They are the songs I don't think I will ever get sick of.
My playlist probably won't be as cool as some people's- but it is mine....
Let me begin by saying that it was difficult to choose my favorite from most of these artists- because I can listen to ANYTHING they play and be happy- call me a music junky... might be because in my heart of hearts it is what I always have truly wanted to do.
"The Luckiest" by Ben Folds
Yes, Yes, I know it is on Girl's list too, but I listen to this song every single day. See, it is Bum's and my song. He sat me down right after we got enganged- and said "This is my song to you." I had never heard of Ben Folds or his "Five" before this song- and it made me an instant fan (Zak and Sara helped too). My family didn't get why we danced to this- but I do. My husband's heart is this song, and we are, really, the luckiest.
"The Stone" by Dave Matthews Band
Live at the Woodlands is my favorite version. Probably one of the hardest choices I have had to make... Picking one Dave song to put on this playlist. We have every CD he has ever made. It adds up to almost 750 DMB songs on my playlist. Cookies' first concerts were Dave- while she was still in my belly. It is her favorite to listen to as well. Poor kid- she is gonna be a Dave junky too. I picked the Stone- because I like the heavy beat, and I can listen to it 2 or 3 times before I move on to the next song.
"Home" by Marc Broussard
This man has SOUL. If you haven't listened to him- you need to. He is going to be huge. His voice tears at the pit of my soul. I love this song. It has a driving rhythm- and I love his voice. LOVE IT. He has a new CD out June 26th and I can't wait.
"Look After You" by The Fray
I remember driving down to Golden to watch these guys in battle of the bands in highschool. I am so proud of them!! Bum can't stop listening to them-- and I love the meanings behind each of their songs.
"Baby Mine" by Alison Krauss
Originally from Dumbo. This is Cookies' song. I sing it to her every night before bed. I sang it to her while she had colic and it was the only thing that could calm her down. I cry every time I get to the end of the song. Silly I know, and I should just skip that part- but I can't because it is the most important part.
"From your head down to your toes
You're not much goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Sweet as can be
Baby of mine"
Sniffle. That's my girl.
"Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood
This is my shower song... You know- the song you sing at the top of your lungs when you are all alone in the shower or the car? If I were a recording artist I would have picked this song. It is sassy and fun. I dream of being sassy and fun, so there you have it.
Am I at #7 already? CRAP... I had a plethora of songs that I wanted to share... Maybe I will have to start a "Blogboard Top 20" to pass out to the world. Not today-- but soon! It must happen! Okay- #7...
"I Still Believe" by Jeremy Camp
Great artist. Great voice. Not for everybody- but he makes my heart happy.
Wow... that is all that I get. I am really a lot more eclectic than this list allows- but these are at the top of the playlist these days. To be continued..........
I tag Krisand Lizzie... there aren't more cause Girl took everyone else!
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Happy Belated Birthday to myself!
Yesterday was my birthday. It was a very nice day- even though my own husband forgot it was my birthday until about 9 that morning (We get up at 6). He was VERY apologetic and sweet, and what a silly story to have to get on his tush about for the rest of our lives-- HA!
It amazes me how with each birthday- they feel more and more like a usual "day" and less special... Maybe it is me.
On another note- Say a prayer for Girl and her sweet Doogal they have a big day tomorrow. Also, Radish has some big news- lots of prayers for her too!!
It amazes me how with each birthday- they feel more and more like a usual "day" and less special... Maybe it is me.
On another note- Say a prayer for Girl and her sweet Doogal they have a big day tomorrow. Also, Radish has some big news- lots of prayers for her too!!
Friday, April 6, 2007
Hoppy Easter!
I hope you all have a blessed and wonderful Easter!
Thank you again Girl for your help making this picture all it could be.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
My Dearest Husband,
It meant so much to me that you woke up to hold back my hair in the middle of the night. You know I don't like to be touched when I am throwing up, so when you walked in the room and gently scooped up my hair without a word, I was for lack of a better word, touched.
Holding back your retching, and waking from a dead sleep reminds me why I married you- because you have the most wonderful heart in the world- and while you drive me insane- i love you and appreciate you.
Love,
Your pukey Wife.
Holding back your retching, and waking from a dead sleep reminds me why I married you- because you have the most wonderful heart in the world- and while you drive me insane- i love you and appreciate you.
Love,
Your pukey Wife.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Gratefuls
Okay, so I had my I wish post, and I already got a mean comment- IT IS A BLOG-- not an insight into my soul. Please be kind. Here are the things I am grateful for.
*MY Husband- he is a wonderful man and is constantly seeking to improve himself
*My daughter- She is the coolest kid I know. She amazes me every day with what she is capable of learning.
*My home- While it is only a rental, it is a roof over our heads- and even though we can hardly afford it, it is a good amount of space.
*My Friends- We are all busy with our families, or they are far away, but we are there for each other- and I appreciate them GREATLY
*My Family - While they are nuts, and they drive me insane at times, we are all close, and they are always there for me.
*Our car- It is a good car. And while we have to share it, it has been good to us and gets us where we need to go safely.
*The food on our Table- I know there are families that don't get to eat every meal, and while we eat the same thing a lot, there is always enough for each of us and we never have to sacrifice a meal
*Our ability to give- We try to always give a little money every month to a charity or a friend in need. We could keep the money and do something fancy or fun- but what good would that do anyone?
*Our Bed and Blankets- They are heavy, warm and soft. Not everyone is blessed with that.
*My Extras- Cookies loves them like sisters, and they show me that I want more children. I love them both dearly.
*My Miscarriage- While it hurts, and I find myself sad when I look at women's bulging bellies and think "that could be me", I can now relate to so many women in a way I could not before. Trying for a baby is HARD, and often sad. I didn't understand that before.
*Sticks to pee on... And the people who are sweet enough to buy them for me- because they are just as hopeful for the next baby as I am, and that warms my heart in ways they don't know.
*Bloggers- You all keep me humble. Thank you for taking the time to type out the wonderful things that you do.
*There are a million more things I am grateful for- and they FAR outweigh the "I wishes".... I would type all day, but I think you would be sick of me by the time I was done- if you aren't already!
*MY Husband- he is a wonderful man and is constantly seeking to improve himself
*My daughter- She is the coolest kid I know. She amazes me every day with what she is capable of learning.
*My home- While it is only a rental, it is a roof over our heads- and even though we can hardly afford it, it is a good amount of space.
*My Friends- We are all busy with our families, or they are far away, but we are there for each other- and I appreciate them GREATLY
*My Family - While they are nuts, and they drive me insane at times, we are all close, and they are always there for me.
*Our car- It is a good car. And while we have to share it, it has been good to us and gets us where we need to go safely.
*The food on our Table- I know there are families that don't get to eat every meal, and while we eat the same thing a lot, there is always enough for each of us and we never have to sacrifice a meal
*Our ability to give- We try to always give a little money every month to a charity or a friend in need. We could keep the money and do something fancy or fun- but what good would that do anyone?
*Our Bed and Blankets- They are heavy, warm and soft. Not everyone is blessed with that.
*My Extras- Cookies loves them like sisters, and they show me that I want more children. I love them both dearly.
*My Miscarriage- While it hurts, and I find myself sad when I look at women's bulging bellies and think "that could be me", I can now relate to so many women in a way I could not before. Trying for a baby is HARD, and often sad. I didn't understand that before.
*Sticks to pee on... And the people who are sweet enough to buy them for me- because they are just as hopeful for the next baby as I am, and that warms my heart in ways they don't know.
*Bloggers- You all keep me humble. Thank you for taking the time to type out the wonderful things that you do.
*There are a million more things I am grateful for- and they FAR outweigh the "I wishes".... I would type all day, but I think you would be sick of me by the time I was done- if you aren't already!
I wish
~I wish I could write like I used to. My words used to be intelligent and full of passion.These days I can hardly pulll a sentence out of my hind end.
~I wish I wasn't so sapped of energy all the time
~I wish I could sleep.
~I wish I could stay up long enough to read a few pages of a book. I used to devour them- now I am too tired.
~I wish I had the opportunity to sit down and sew for an hour, without a toddler haning off my leg and a husband calling my name.
~I wish I could eat whatever I wanted and still lose weight. Seems like every one of my siblings can do that- but not me.
~I wish I had the motivation to wake up an hour earlier (5am) and go jogging
~I wish my husband had a friend. I get quite boring at times.
~I wish I didn't feel like an obligation to people.
~I wish we had the money for 2 cars, a house, and good groceries. Cheap hamburger and rice every night is getting old.
~I wish I had the light I once had. I could see the good in everyone. I was open and friendly. Now I feel like a judgemental hermit. I hate it.
~I wish I felt beautiful again.
~I wish we could find a home church. My heart needs it.
~I wish I were brave.
~I wish I had confidence in myself. I used to sing at the top of my lungs- and wanted everyone to hear. Now I only sing for my daughter. I have lost my range and the power I once had in my lungs and voice.
This is my selfish list. It isn't supposed to be depressing, just a list of things I wish I had. I suppose we all have our days where we wish we could step back in time a little.
I was watching Take Home Chef last night. It was the one where he cooks sashmi (YUM) and a hotpot for these 4 girl friends. It is so silly- but I found myself crying when they were all sitting together laughing, hugging each other, etc. These girls WANTED to spend time together. Mind you, they didn't have the obligation (or joy) of children and family, but they were friends... I wouldn't give up anything in my life for the world- but I would love to know how that feels. I never lived alone- not in my whole life. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband. He has traveled the world... and while I have been all over America, I have never seen outside our borders. I have plenty of time to travel, and right now I want to focus on raising the munchkin and our future munchkins. There will be time for travel later.
I guess so often we want the things we cannot have. There are people who look at me and want my life and talents from the outside, and I theirs. I am so happy with what I have, there are just moments I wonder "what if?". I hope that is not ungrateful- just human.
~I wish I wasn't so sapped of energy all the time
~I wish I could sleep.
~I wish I could stay up long enough to read a few pages of a book. I used to devour them- now I am too tired.
~I wish I had the opportunity to sit down and sew for an hour, without a toddler haning off my leg and a husband calling my name.
~I wish I could eat whatever I wanted and still lose weight. Seems like every one of my siblings can do that- but not me.
~I wish I had the motivation to wake up an hour earlier (5am) and go jogging
~I wish my husband had a friend. I get quite boring at times.
~I wish I didn't feel like an obligation to people.
~I wish we had the money for 2 cars, a house, and good groceries. Cheap hamburger and rice every night is getting old.
~I wish I had the light I once had. I could see the good in everyone. I was open and friendly. Now I feel like a judgemental hermit. I hate it.
~I wish I felt beautiful again.
~I wish we could find a home church. My heart needs it.
~I wish I were brave.
~I wish I had confidence in myself. I used to sing at the top of my lungs- and wanted everyone to hear. Now I only sing for my daughter. I have lost my range and the power I once had in my lungs and voice.
This is my selfish list. It isn't supposed to be depressing, just a list of things I wish I had. I suppose we all have our days where we wish we could step back in time a little.
I was watching Take Home Chef last night. It was the one where he cooks sashmi (YUM) and a hotpot for these 4 girl friends. It is so silly- but I found myself crying when they were all sitting together laughing, hugging each other, etc. These girls WANTED to spend time together. Mind you, they didn't have the obligation (or joy) of children and family, but they were friends... I wouldn't give up anything in my life for the world- but I would love to know how that feels. I never lived alone- not in my whole life. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband. He has traveled the world... and while I have been all over America, I have never seen outside our borders. I have plenty of time to travel, and right now I want to focus on raising the munchkin and our future munchkins. There will be time for travel later.
I guess so often we want the things we cannot have. There are people who look at me and want my life and talents from the outside, and I theirs. I am so happy with what I have, there are just moments I wonder "what if?". I hope that is not ungrateful- just human.
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