Trusting

I'm reading a book called "Captivating"-- I love it. It talks a lot about the wounds that we receive as little girls, and the process of healing from them. It also talks a lot about your relationship with God; something I have struggled a lot with lately.

For me, it's not an issue of faith or believing, but trusting. It is hard to hear "Have patience, it will work out, just trust Me", when praying for things to get better. Maybe I am childish. I want some kind of reassurance that it isn't going to be 20 years of waiting.

Maybe I am not making a large enough effort to be closer to Him. Maybe I am just plain scared to entrust my everything to him. I try to- but I feel like some part of me is grasping at straws for complete control of my life. I should know better. Things go to hades in a hand basket when I try to do it myself. Things fall apart. I can't do it myself- I know that.

Bum and I have been discussing moving. I don't want to move. My parents are here- and we are really close. They are our friends. We spend entire weekends at their house because we enjoy their company. I can't imagine living away from them- from my mom. She and I talk daily and try to see each other every week. The thought of being away from her makes my stomach do somersaults. I don't have many friends- but the ones I have I love dearly, and moving to a place and having to start over-- for me is terrifying. I'm not so good at the social game. I say stupid things and do stupid things. I am simple- not fancy. I don't do the super dressed up mom thing. But what if moving away is the only way we will ever have it better? You can't live off of 40k a year with a family and 50k in school, medical, and auto debt. You just can't.

I know that my friends and family will be there regardless of where we live. I have friends that are more miles away than I can imagine, and we make it work. I know we would find a way to see my family as often as possible... But I'm scared.

So I'm trying to trust. Trust that there is a plan for us- he's never not taken care of us. I'm trying to trust His will. I don't really want to- but I'm trying. I have to figure out a way to prepare my heart to leave if we are called to. I don't know what it will take, but again, I am trying to trust that He is working on me. I'm not the most willing person in the world, but I am trying.